Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Singers…

…or they could end up like this.

Sh*t! Damn! Motherf***er!

When TV One isn’t showing Martin re-runs for the gazzillionth time or helping Lisa Raye pretend to be Emma Frost, important, or  useful it shows Unsung, a show about black music stars of the past and what “happened” to them. (Hint, there’s usually some babies or booger sugar involved.)

This past Monday’s episode detailed the history of The Ohio Players, a funk band from the 70’s who were famous for their all around dopeness  with tracks like “Sweet Sticky Thing”, “Fire”, and “Love Rollercoaster”. The Players were also well known for having some of the most iconic album covers in the history of mankind. Outside of all of their awesomeness The Ohio Players ended up like the bulk of singers on Unsung; kind of jacked up. The Ohio Players have to be the hardest looking bunch of singers I’ve come across in some time. Their level of looking worn out may only be rivaled by that of the Rolling Stones and we all know that under his hood death looks exactly like Keith Richards. These old ninjas just look grimey and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the fate that awaits the bulk of the world’s music stars. If little Tyrone becomes a world famous musician with a 30 year career  that at the end of Tyrone’s career he’ll look like the Candy Licker (R.I.P.). I’m about as sure of this as I’m that Alexander O’Neal’s farts smell like Black & Mild smoke.

On Fridays I normally do random thoughts about news items and what not but today I will opine randomly about how absolutely f**ked-up the Ohio Players and their episode of Unsung  are.

1. Bassist Marshall “Rock” Jones (The dude with the turban and the lips that kissed the sun) looks like he may hang out with the dude who tried to sell me deodorant in my apartment complex the other day. He dresses like Hadji but looks like a hybrid of Pookie and Fleece Johnson. You’ve failed sir! I’m not sure at what just yet but you’ve failed.
2. Oh sh*t! Bobby Proud from the Proud Family was supposed to be a caricature of Sugarfoot (The Dude in the photo up top.)?
3. One of the Players has a lace front toupee. Until Monday night I had a very limited knowledge of what a lace front wig or weave was. Hell, I even commented on a post by e-homey LaLaBakir about a Wale track called “Lacefrontin” but I had no true idea of what one was.[i] So while we’re watching Unsung I make the comment. “Damn, he has a s-curl toupee.” Miss Moneypenny replied flatly “That’s a lace front.” The look in her big brown eyes said the following “Keith, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” Me too Sweetie, me too. Then she told me Slash wasn’t real either.
4. Cocaine is and was a hell of a drug. If it can make Whitney Houston sound like Rockwell then you shouldn’t use it.
5. During the 1970’s all clothing was unflattering… Well Except on Thelma Evans’ pants. These dude performed in halter tops like the ones that Riley Freeman got from Gangstalicious. Not cool.
6. We now know how Guy would have ended up looking if they didn’t break up and R. Kelly had not absconded with Aaron Hall’s life force when they met in that truck stop outside of Chicago in 1992. #fact

I would add some more thoughts but I’m still dealing with the lace front epiphany so I’m at a loss at the moment. I just wasn’t prepared for these dudes to be that messed up looking. There are certain levels of jacked-up that comes with the business but these cats obviously excelled at failing.  Did any of y’all watch? Did anyone else find the current “look” of the Ohio Players as hilarious as I did?

 

Vaya con Dios.

Tabi Bonney – Beat Rock

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[i] As a carrier of a Y- Chromosome I gladly put my quest for knowledge aside and become willfully ignorant for the following things about the fairer sex: Women’s hair, What makes women tick, and shoes. I yam what I yams.

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