Tag Archives: VD

9 Things Every Black Man Should Own

Luke Cage exactly five seconds after he found out Wolverine used his Andis T-Outliner to manscape his chest hair.



  1. A belt. Look Man-Man, I don’t know if your daddy any body told ever told you this, but you aren’t walking around the yard during rec time anymore, wear a belt. Wear it in the correct position. Yes Man-Man, by “correct position” I mean around your waist.
  2. An Andis T-Outliner. Trust me, it will be the best $43-$54 you’ll ever spend. Throw in a bottle of oil, and $20 for a new set of blades every six months and you’re set. Why? Because I’m pretty sure no one wants you walking around looking an extra from Dolemite or a 1970’s NFL lineman, that’s why. You don’t have to cut the beard off, just maintain the sonofab***h. Which leads me to number 3.
  3. Bump Patrol. “But Wu Young, it burns.”  Yeah, it does burn. It burns like peeing the Tuesday morning after  Black Bike Week, but in the words of Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino, “Quit being a p****.” Trust me hoss, no one wants to see you strolling around where ever it is that you stroll around with the back of your neck or face looking like Normandy beach at sundown on June 6th 1944.
  4.  A shovel. You never know when you may get a call in the middle of the night from one of your boys and the  words “dead hooker” may be spoken. Do you know anyone who owns a pig farm? I don’t, so buy a damn shovel and get some lime, and plastic sheeting while you’re at it.
  5. A tape measure. You never know when you have to do pull a Overton Wakefield Jones around the house or dig a grave for the aforementioned dead hooker. Methinks it’s hard to eyeball a four to six-foot deep grave in the middle of the night.
  6. Condoms The world really isn’t ready for Tyree “Lil Man-Man” Jordan II. Hell, you aren’t ready for Tyree “Lil Man-Man”Jordan II. Your moms, Peaches is only 35 and she really doesn’t want to be a two-time grandmother at 35. As a matter of fact, there are at least 11 public school teachers who lay awake at night, shook bythe thought of having to try to teach Tyree “Lil Man-Man” Jordan II long-division. Cover it up a**hole.
  7. An article of clothing that must be dry-cleaned You know for job interviews and church and sh*t.
  8. A well-round music collection (Insert snobbery here.) Sometimes, just sometimes you have to listen to something other than rap, r&b, gospel, or whatever your thing is. It won’t hurt. Try it out you just might like it.
  9. A f***in’ library card A fan of Iceberg Slim, but you don’t have any cash to go to Barnes & Nobles? Need to know how to change the fuel filter in your 96 Ford Crown Vic? (Yes, Man-Man I’m talking to you.) Sh*t you can even set up a MySpace page for your sh*tty-a** rap group! Solutions to all these problems and more can be answered at your public library.

 These are 9 things that a brother should own. Can you come up with anymore?