Tag Archives: See a b***h

Avengers Assemble! (My crew as superheroes)

I read way too many comic books. Anyone who knows me is well aware of my dirty, not so little secret. Yes, folks my nerd game is proper.(No Hammer.) On Sunday my brother and I were asked about my our friend Joe by one of our sisters and some how were began talking about how everyone has a friend who will do any thing and Joe is that I guy. I mumbled to myself, “Yeah, he’s crazy. He’s our Deadpool.”

So after this conversation and a few showing of commercials for the recent A-Team remake I started thinking about what heroes or action characters would my friends be. So after thinking for a few days I’ve compiled a list of several of the men and one woman  that I’m proud to say that are on the team and who they would be if they were in the superhero business. ***Last names will not be used to protect the names of the innocent quasi-innocent. (These people are my friends after all.) So here’s the list and please direct your hate mail and death threats towards me. I’m going to ignore but send it my way.

Stephen Y**** Jr./Batman (Justice League of America)

This is definitely my big brother’s character. He’s not a multi-millionaire industrialist playboy and I’m pretty sure he”ll I know he would shoot you but I’ve got one made-up word to describe why he’s Batman; gadgetry.(He’s futuristic because he f***s with the future.) One of the smartest people I know by far he has proven to be capable of anything. Superman once called Batman the most dangerous man in the world and there have been times when I’ve thanked God that my brother’s a good person. If he ever goes sideways lord help us!

The Mario W*********/Hawkeye (The Avengers)

I’ve known this man since Mrs. Kinsey’s first grade class and during the course of the subsequent 25 years that I’ve called him my friend three things have remained the same. One, he’s extremely loyal in any situation. Two, just like Clint Barton he talks a ton of s*** to everybody and anybody who’ll listen.( Then again he’s in radio and that’s kind of his job.) And the third and finally trait that makes him my teams Hawkeye is that he most often thinks with his heart. Yes, he may fly off the handle, but good friends stop you from doing dumb sh**.

Olando “O” S*********/ Luke Cage (The Avengers/Thunderbolts/Heroes for Hire)

Does O have super strength? Nope! (Although he’ll tell you otherwise.) impenetrable skin? Naw. Is he 6 ft 6? No. (Honestly, every man thinks he’s 6 ft 6 inches tall in his own mind. Scary place that male mind. I’ve yet to figure out why you ladies want anything to do with what’s happening up there.) In spite of O not having any of Luke Cage’s powers he remains one of the most loyal men I know. Like Cage, O is the consummate family man. Just like Cage I’m sure if you mess with his wife or kids he’ll beat your a** and keep beating it until you get the point.

Joe J*****/Deadpool

Like I said in my intro everybody has one friend who will do absolutely anything. The Lakers have Ron Artest and we have Joe. This is for various reasons: They may be that good of a friend, they stick up for the people, or they are f***ing insane! Joe is all of these things and Joe is also f***ing insane. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen this man pull off some the craziest stunts and walk away laughing just like Deadpool. If you don’t believe me I’ve got several cats from  Allendale, SC who may recall an evening on Bells Rd that involved two rude hoodrat neighbors, a case of Budweiser, an army field knife, and a can of gasoline. Best n***** moment ever! So when I found out he volunteered to jump out of perfectly good airplanes for a living I was not shocked. Every deck has a wild card and Joe is ours. Besides if I were told that he started carrying a Samurai sword like Deadpool I wouldn’t be shocked at all.

Hasan P********/Nick Fury (S.H.I.E.L.D)

Real talk, this negro will disappear in the blink of an eye. If he didn’t work with computers I would swear he was a master spy. For all I know he could be in the room with me right now and I wouldn’t know about it. Creepy-a** Burn Notice ninja.

Ced R****/The Beast(The X-Men/Avengers)

 

Sans the blue fur and the giant house cat aesthetic Ced is bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than you and there isn’t jack sh** you can do about it. Don’t hate him. Hate your parent’s genetic make up. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. He’s a freak of nature, whose parents throw a hell of a cookout, so deal with it.

Ferdi C*****/Iron Man (The Avengers/Alcoholics Anonymous)

“He’s a cool exec music teacher with a heart of steel” I only know two men who I could ever imagine donning metal suit that would allow him to fly and blow ish up and one of them is on the list as Batman. More gadgetry. More explosions. More f***ing with the future.  He and my Batman work  really well together. (Someone should keep an eye on them.)

Crystal “Miss Moneypenny” C***/Misty Knight (Heroes for Hire)

Who is Misty Knight? A bada** that’s who! Combine the likes of  Christie Love, Cleopatra Jones and Coffey add a Tony Stark built bionic arm and multiply by a fiance who is a kung fu billionaire you’ll have Marvel Comics obscenely under used super heroine. Misty Knight does not take any sh*t from anybody and neither does Crystal C*** (Especially from your boy.) Me and everybody love her for it.

Duane L*****/The Thing(The Fantastic Four)

I can only describe Duane as a good man. Under all of his silly, Jack Daniels soaked antics Duane is always the guy that there. My favorite gravedigger/banker always has friends and family in mind.

I could go on and on with this simply because I’ve read a lot of comics and I know lots of people, but these folks are the ones who make my list. Make your own or talk among yourselves.

Vaya con Dios.

Advertisements

But he’s got a lot of heart!?!?! (The don’t write a check with your mouth that your a** can’t cash blog.)

This morning I was listening to ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the morning and Dick Vitale dropped in to do his usual Tuesday morning guest spot. He’s loud, abrasive, bald, pulls for Notre Dame , has firmly implanted of in Mike Krzyzewski’s gastrointestinal tract, and he knows a ton about sports. I’ve disagreed with Dickie V before but this morning he said something that I just couldn’t agree with: He told Mike Golic that University of Florida quarterback and candidate for sainthood, Tim Tebow should get drafted in the NFL because of his “heart”.

Lat week The Champ wrote a blog over at www.verysmartbrothas.com entitled “the 10 most overrated things… ever” that chronicled things ranging for beer to orgasms as things he deemed overrated. He then opened the floor of the church for the readers to list things that they thought got to much shine. Things like Drake, Southern California’s football team, and Las Vegas all made the reader’s overrated list.

Until I heard Dickie V say Saint Timothy should get drafted because of his “heart” I didn’t consider heart as an overrated quality. So are we to believe that NFL owners or any other businessman or woman is going to hire a high dollar employee because he or she has heart?  Don’t get me wrong, a ton of heart in a person or people can get you a long way in the world. (see the Viet Cong) After thinking about it for a few hours I came to the conclusion that yes, heart is an excellent personality trait,  but if you don’t have the complete skill set, a solid foundation, and the proper acumen heart will only lead you to realize that you’re in over your head. Trust me “over your head” isn’t the address where you want to live.

Here are a few examples of what happens when having “heart” isn’t enough to get the job done.

Belgium, August  – September 1914

So that I don’t go all History 102 on y’all a**es here’s the long and the short of it. The Europeans had this nasty little habit of slaughtering each other every few decades up back in the day and the another slaughter was on the schedule for 1914. The Germans and the French were really pissed at each other over this cat named Franz-Ferdinand getting Abraham Lincolned in Sarajevo while attending a parade with the wifey. So zie Germans were looking to go see the French and tell them all of the whys and wherefores. There was a slight problem, zie German border with France was heavily defended so they weren’t really interested in going all 12 rounds with France to get to Paris.  This is where Belgium comes into play. Belgium didn’t want anything to do with any of the slaughter so they clung to their neutrality. (Besides, the Belgians where happy eating waffles and making a mess out of the Congo.) The leader of Germany, Kaiser Wilhelm II called his cousin King Albert I of Belgium and asked if he would allow his boys to pass through Belgian territory to go see the French.

Albert was like, “Nah son. We just trying to eat these waffles and exploit the sh*t of these Africans son.”

Grabbing his crotch, Kaiser Wilhelm II was like, “Swear to god son. Stop acting like a little b***h and let my people pass through. We trying to pull these French cats skirts up for real. You need to get down or lay down.”

Thinking he couldn’t get punked by his big cousin, Albert was like “You see a b***h, slap a b***h!”

Needless to say a b***h was seen and a b***h was slapped. Luckily for King Albert I his other big cousin, King George VIII of England rushed to defend him and his nation. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because cousin Wilhelm II f***ed things up, which was going to make the fish fry at the next family reunion really, really, awkward.

*side note, these quotes are from the actually telegraph transcripts between Albert I and Wilhelm II.* True story.

Belgium then braced itself for the zie German onslaught. She showed a helluva a lot of heart, but Belgium had no business getting in to the ring with Germany. It got ugly, and by ugly I mean Aunt Ester ugly. Known as the Rape of Belgium, German troops burned books, towns, villages, Belgians, and anything else that could burn until they got tired.

So in the end all Belgium got for having “heart” and nothing to back it up was a a**whooping for the ages.

Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential run

I could prove my point by typing “epic fail” but I’ll explain. Big John McCain went out to search for a vp nominee and somebody convinced him to pick Sarah of Wasilla. Since the Democrats raised the bar with an actual black man and a woman with enough experience and pants suits to shut them down, the GOP returned the favor by giving the people Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska and all around turd of a candidate. Looking like a strange combination of Tina Fey and Peggy Hill, Palin gave McCain’s campaign new life. Until she started speaking.

Obviously lacking in the talent and experience department all McCain’s campaign could talk about was how feisty, and tough Sarah Palin was. The more the curtain was pulled back the more she hid behind soft ball questions and catchy phases like “You betcha.” Soon after the McCain run for president was crushed under the weight of Palin’s heart hype.

Preston “Bodie” Broadus

“Bodie, look behind you.”

Were my words to as the Wire’s Preston “Bodie” Broadus caught one in the back of his head from the kid who looked like Chil Ali’s baby cousing during the fourth season of the Wire. Bodie played his role well while working for the Barksdales. He worked as a corner boy in the pit and even stepped up and killed his own friend Wallace when the organization needed him eliminated. After the Barksdale crew had their run ended by Stringer Bell’s death and a massive wave of arrests that sent Avon to jail, this left Marlo Stansfield’s vampiric(so not a word) a** in charge of the bulk of Baltimore’s drug game. Bodie soon found himself as a man without a country after standing tall for a crew that had ceased to exist.

Bodie pushed through, buying from Marlo’s people who were growing increasingly more violent toward independents and other larger dealers. After his boy is killed by Marlo’s crew Bodie is then accused of snitching. Knowing his days were number and not having the man power or resources to mount a proper defense, Bodie still showed just how much heart he had and stood tall when the rest of his crew bailed.

I’ve listed three instances where having “heart” has proved to be detrimental. Sure Palin is raking in the cash, but she’s a polarizing side-show that will never get elected again. If you can name some more times where having heart just wasn’t enough to get the job done.

“I’m Gifted Unlimited aw f*** the rest you n*****s know me”

R.I.P Guru