So y’all may be asking yourselves (Maybe you aren’t.) exactly what I’m here today to not deny. It’s simple really. In fact it’s so simple that in my mind I’ve made it incredibly hard. I’m talking about my denial the p-word: Procrastination.
The last few months have served as a gateway to me furthering my emotional development. (I want to be a real boy!) Around the last week of October I found myself to be overwhelmed with what’s going on between my freakishly small ears. Between dealing with my Mom’s sickness and a few deep-a** conversations with Moneypenny I found myself at place in my head where I didn’t necessarily want to be but needed to hang around for a while to settle some accounts. (Think of the worst bar, in the worst neighborhood, with the worst patrons in the world, and you’ll find where my procrastination hangs out.)
So as I sat around in my four-corned room thinking about my issues I realized that one of my major issues with myself is procrastinating. Procrastination has poked its boney fingers into every possible aspect of my life and I just sat back and let it happen. At every turn I just stood by and let me put me on hold for no good reason at all (I will not use depression as an excuse either.) and frankly it’s made me into kind of a sh*tty human being at times. I let myself become the proverbial half-polished turd and I watched it all happen in real time.
When dealing with issues that are personal, mental, or otherwise I always feel better after admitting them publically and this is what I’m here for at the moment. In reflecting on my sh*tty, foot-dragging, put it off ‘til tomorrow humanness I’m frankly blessed that I haven’t messed things up so badly that I’ll regret things forever. I’m sorry for this. Although, procrastinating has hurt me it has hurt those around me too.
I’ve hesitated on more than many worthwhile things that would have only increased life’s joys. Proposals, writing, jobs, ideas, family and friendships, going places and seeing things- all put off until whenever because I subconsciously refused to stand up and move forward. All because I live too much inside my head and was kind of okay with that. For those of you who know me in the real world, y’all know I value loyalty but I’ve allowed myself to be quasi loyal by just chilling. Honestly, after the last six months I’ve had I can’t continue down this path. I’ve been on it for a minute but where it ends is a complete motherf***ker.
So I’m over the p-word. (Well, not that p-word.) I’ve said my peace so I’ll just stop before this turns into an Eminem song. So again in all of my half-polished turdness, I’m sorry.
Vaya con Dios.