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Sh*t Talkers — What Kind Are You?

The other day on Twitter I had a conversation with Dr. Gemmie, Ph. D about talking sh*t to folks about sports from a fan’s perspective. We tweeted about her premise, which was based on speaking feces because not only your squad totally destroyed theirs but because you dislike the utter essence of their team in every way possible. I’m not much of a verbal sh*t talker but I agreed with her about banging on teams that I flat-out just dislike and never pull for. (EVER!)

Be honest, there is nothing more refreshing than stepping on the groin of a Cowboy fan the Monday after they soiled their pantaloons on national television. The logical among them accept their fate until the next Sunday but the zealots bark back with crap like “We’re God’s team.” or some other foolish talking point that has been rehearsed over a few decades of fandom.* That’s just how fan’s treat each other. There is a spectrum of respect among us that ranges from being cordial to placing hexes on unborn children. (Come on folks; never love anything that’s not going to reciprocate. Kobe and Tony Romo don’t have and fcuks to give about what you think about them.)

Most of the people I know are pretty reasonable when it comes to popping off. You can see it on Twitter or on my text messages on Saturdays and Sundays during the fall but I have to wonder when it comes to competing do their sh*t talking personalities stay the same or do they get worse? Every competitor has some form of dealing with their opponent. There is a sh*t talker in all of us when it’s time to play.

These are the types:

Mr. Seven-Eleven — He or she whose mouth never closes. From the time the competition starts until it ends this person never shuts their mouth. Winning or losing they will talk your ear off whether they care too listen or not. Mostly, it’s to hype them up to take out whoever is in front of them. (There was nothing worse than playing pick-up ball in the 1990’s with 7-11 and would yell out “Jordan!” every time he took a jumper. *Looking at you Mario*) Mr. Seven-Eleven can be annoying but if he wins and is actually good you can respect the madness.  (Famous 7-11’s: Larry Bird, Gary Payton, John Randle, and Muhammad Ali)

The Silently Arrogant Machine – It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever; until you are dead have lost.” [i]  From a distance this guy is an emotionless automaton. Under the service he’s an arrogant bastard who is taking silent delight in taking his opponents apart. If he or she is at the top of their game the silence and machine-like devotion to winning is unnerving. (People who are too quiet tend to freak people out at times.) This is actually the type of sh*t talker I am. If compete against someone in say Jeopardy and skull-dragging commences I will not say a peep but I will pour it on until I’m convinced I’ve won. (Famous TSAM’s: The San Antonio Spurs (If I gave enough of a damn about the NBA I would pull for them.) Bill Belichick, Anton Chigurh, and William T. Sherman.)[ii]

The Attention Whore – This dude is pain in the behind. He’s a lot different from old 7-11 because 7-11’s chatter is constant. Although highly skilled, the Attention Whore shows his arse only when the cameras are on. If he or she scores a production will occur that may possibly get them on SportsCenter, central booking, or the Tony Awards. If it’s funny it’s great but if it’s not everyone just gets tired of you and what you do. (Famous Attention Whores: Tim Tebow, Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan’s brother, Terrell Eldorado Owens, and Chad Johnson.)

Mr. Hey We Won – Yes, you won but you contributed nothing to the victory. You just happen to be wearing the same color shirt as the guys who put the work in. During the competition this cat is on the sidelines. There he’s waving a towel, waiting for garbage time, or jawing at the people who are actually on the floor. After winning he struts around like his effort made the difference. Smug comments from this guy should be harmless but the fact that you’re dog-tired and covered in sweat and he’s dry just makes you want to push him down a flight of stairs. (Famous Mr. Hey We Won’s: Mateen Cleaves and anyone who played on the Bulls bench in the 90’s positions 9-12.)

These are four types of sh*t talkers who I can almost guarantee that we’ve all come across. Can’t live with them us or without us. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing Taboo, running cross country, or recreation league basketball we’ve either been or encountered one of the four. Which one are you? Did I miss a particular type of sh*t talker?

Tell me.

Vaya con Dios.

*I’m a member of two idiotic fan bases (The Oakland Raiders and Alabama Crimson Tide (Football). I know of what I speak.


[i] I chose this quote from the Terminator because I always thought silent inhuman villains were the scariest. Jason Voorhees, SkyNet, and the Xenomorph, had no other motivation but to defeat you. I loved it.

[ii] This is not my every day personality. I’m not a lunatic… I’m really not.

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14 responses to “Sh*t Talkers — What Kind Are You?

  1. *snickers*
    Love this post Wu. Definitely all types of sh*t talkers, I think you narrowed it down nicely.

    *oh, you missed the “my team lost and now I wanna fight everyone (literally and figuratively) sh*t talker. This can get uglay!

    From these four, I can’t narrow down what type of sh*t talker I am.
    I’m the type that talks a whole buncha sh*t knowing the squad can back it up, and in that off chance, they get their clock cleaned, I’ll own up to us sucking. If they lose, they just lose.
    See my twitter feed during this last NFL season when my Texans lost to the Ravens. I just had to eat it. No excuses, we made it that far, and then we lost.
    Case closed…lol

    • oh, you missed the “my team lost and now I wanna fight everyone (literally and figuratively) sh*t talker. This can get uglay!

      yep. they are close cousins with the sh*t talkers who got a whole lot to say before and during the game, but when theyre squad gets got, theyre silent and nowhere to be found. or get super sensitive if you say “yeah so um what was it you were saying earlier…?” smh those are THE WORST sh*t talkers ever! can dish it but cant take it.

    • I hate that person. You know their week is ruined after that loss but they won’t let go…Go that way!

      I wanna fight guy could learn from you.Take it in stride and keep it moving.

  2. as a fan, i’m probably more like Ms. Seven Eleven. im talking before the game starts, during the game, after the game is over. when the teams are in the locker rooms, when theyre in a press conference. when theyre on a flight back home. when theyre on a flight to the game. but i usually only talk sh*t about teams i despise – the Fake Show, the Cowgirls, and the Pats. i may talk a little bit of smack about any other opponents of my teams, but its rare.

    as a player – of spades, kickball, or whatever game/sport im playing – im TSAM. not even so much arrogant. but i def like my game/skill to speak for itself. no need to talk. lets play. even after i deliver an ass whoopin (usually in spades since im not very athletic lol), i smirk, blow kisses, and exit stage left. #thankyougoodnight

    • As a fan it all depends on who my squad is playing. Rivals make me talk. Others don’t. I just give the fan bases you named grief year round. Damn tuck rule.

      I’m so TSAM it’s not funny. I love it when you’re playing a 7-11 and they ask why you aren’t talking and in my head I’m like I’m beating your ass- what’s there to talk about.

  3. The Only Real Outcast

    I’m probably a TSAM…too busy taking your lunch to talk. And as a TSAM I can’t stand Attention Whores. Do you really have to dance around like a clown every time you make a play?

  4. Bwahahaha!!!
    This post rocked.
    A) to’s middle name
    B) Romo shall always be mocked
    C) it’s sports.

    I’m not one to talk sh*t until after. Lol.
    It’s the wimpy way out, but it ensures that I don’t have to swallow words. I may have to talk in retaliation (NFC east rivals go hard in the paint). But in the end, more likely to hit a dougie then say a word. Cuz I know it could’ve been me.

    Exception to this is miracle at the meadowlands remix. Even though they have the rings, that came still warms my heart.

    Ps: surprised you didn’t mention the black mamba as the ultimate tsam

    • Terrells middle name is always important. Always. Y’all NFC East folks may just spend as much time hating and sh+t talking your rivals as you do pulling for your teams. It’s scary really. I didn’t list Kobe because he’s fake. He’s a low-key sh*t talker and he show’s emotion when he makes that rat face thing he does.

  5. Sigma_Since 93

    You must add ever male world class sprinter to the attention whore list. I can’t blame them since the US only pays attention to them once every four years or if they get busted for doping.

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