“My boss asked me what “This, that and the third meant.”
These were the words uttered by Miss Moneypenny on Saturday morning as we watched CNN and whatever else passes for Saturday morning TV nowadays. I took a sip of coffee, smirked and said “You’re a Negro whisperer.”
I gave her that label because hell, I’m a Negro whisperer too. Her boss is from upstate New York and he often asks Moneypenny to decipher various bits of southern and mostly black colloquialisms that he allegedly has no idea what they mean. (To my knowledge the phrase “This, that, and the third.” is not specifically of black origins but he apparently didn’t know that. Silly carpetbagger.)
So what’s a Negro whisperer? It’s no different than a dog, horse, or any other kind of whisperer. Simply put a Negro whisperer is the go to person for non-Negroes to answers questions and attempts to understand well… Negroes and the Negro like things that they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the office, a bar, foxhole, or the prison yard if you just happen to be the go to person for the entire black race then tag, you’re it.
Here are a few signs of Negro whispererness:
- If you work in an office or have a job where you are about one of three black people then you are a Negro whisper. You also get extra points if one of the other two black people is a foreigner.
- You get asked silly questions like “What’s Kwanzaa?” or “Did your family celebrate Kwanzaa growing up?” First of all, the answer to both queries is “F*** no!” and to top it off “F*** Kwanzaa!”[i] Other questions like “What does
p.s.k[Insert dumbass topic here] mean?” are often asked too. The ensuing rage depends on how many cool points the person asking has and how many cups of coffee that I’ve had up until that point.
- You may be a Negro whisperer if: Random history facts about black folks are presented to you for discussion. “Did you know Strom Thurmond had a black daughter?” I sure did since the sixth grade as a matter of fact. “I’ve never heard of that.” Well maybe you didn’t want to hear it.
- If you find yourself listening to recordings of jailhouse phone calls to interpret them into the King’s English. I once spent the better part of a morning listening to a conversation between some low-level d-boy and his sister talking about his homeboy and a “thing” that he bought in Savannah. I then tried to explaining what the “thing” that was being spoken about to the attorney who asked me to listen. (Ben Grimm was not being discussed.)[ii] On another occasion another attorney from Zimbabwe asked me to watch a video obtained from the cops from a snitch to make out what was being said. Between the hardcore, downtown Geechie accents, the product of the Charleston County School District’s disastrous attempts at teaching grammar, and the lisp inducing gold fronts I had nothing to tell them.
- When a male coworker of another race mentions a black woman who is particularly fetching to you to gage your reaction to properly tell you theirs. Look hoss, just say she’s hot and skip the juvenile games. If that’s what you’re into then good luck with that. I’m not going to tell your parents and get you kicked out of the yacht club. I actually want to smack dudes (The 55 second mark of this video is oh so precious.) who do this. Be a man and just say it.
Can you come up with signs of Negro whisperertude? Have you ever played the role of a Negro whisperer? I’m doing it right now. Tell it and share in the ridiculousness of the entire situation.
Vaya con Dios.
[i] Before anyone says “I bet you celebrate other holidays based on odd premises. Why can’t you celebrate something positive?” You get the same answer a**hat. “F*** you!” I get Turkey and Mac & Cheese on Thanksgiving and miniature snickers on Halloween so until Kwanzaa comes up with something better take this stick and blind fold and go clear this minefield.
[ii] It’s still clobberin time though!