The Things I Want

No this isn’t for an impending zombie attack.

I took a trip to Lowes on Christmas Eve to look for a battery to my dad’s drill (Which the Capitalist bastards didn’t have.) and a sharpening stone for my brother (Which the capitalist bastards did have.). My jaunt to the ye old fashioned big-box do it yourself, spend your entire roll or scrilla, store actually got me thinking about my future and the things I want. Not just in the sense of tools, well partially, but more so in the sense of having actual things that are mine (or ours) and work hard for just like responsible adults.

I can guarantee that every adult has a list similar to this. These are lists of pleasures and luxuries that make you happy while you gladly attend to them. Things you look at and think to yourself “Yeah, that’s mine.” while you smile like Herman Cain watching an orphanage burn.

My list is short and simple:

A Yard — I want a yard with a house attached of course. I’ve made no secret on how I feel about dirt. I want to mow, hedge, trim, and dig to my heart’s content. (I also want a fence. I’m just not fond of neighbors.)[i] Maintaining a yard is hard work sometimes but it is a good way to blow off steam too. With the yard comes dirty nails, callouses, and sweat. I want a fire pit in my back yard where Moneypenny and I can sit outside, drink, and bullsh*t with each other or company if we invite their stinking a**es. I want a grill where the flesh of whatever beast we desire to dine on will be roasted. The yard doesn’t have to be gigantic but it would be nice to have enough space for Danger and Godzilla to play before the run each other ragged before they are let into the house.[ii] (See the second item.)

Dog(s) – I’ve wanted a dog for some time now. Hell, I’d take my parents dog, Champ even though he’s crazier than a sh*thouse rat if I had space for him.[iii] Like I was saying I want two dogs. One would be enough but why not have two to keep each other company. I want a Beagle or a bulldog named Danger, more specifically William Tecumseh Danger and larger dog named Godzilla. (I like Mastiffs but the slobber factor is high.) Dogs are just fun to keep around and they make for excellent conversations. (You talk. They listen and refrain meting out whatever worthless advice that a person may give you. Cause they can’t talk. Just lay there and nod in agreement.) If dogs could drink beer they would be like the best animal ever.

Man cave – Y’all know I want a big-a** television right? Guess where I’d put my big-a** television. I just want a spot where I can go to watch over the top comic book movies, the Discovery and Military Channels, see Alabama win, and Oakland lose. It will be a grand space where I’ll keep my comics, guns, and my future vinyl collection. Beer will be drank, epic naps will be taken, and mid-90’s hip hop and old blues songs, laden heavy with double entendre will be listen to. It will be awesome.

Tools/Shed – There just has to be a place where I can store my mechanical crap. I’ll need a place where shovels, spades, axes, pick axes and chainsaws will be kept. Don’t my caulk, ratchets, and hoes deserve a place to be safe and dry? Well, don’t they?

Guns – I’m not crazy, violent, or Clifford Harris. I just like shooting. Not well, but I like shooting them none-the-less. My pops has more than a few guns and I want more than a few guns too. I’d like good ones. Nothing large and pointless but nice enough to make wasting ammunition at targets I probably won’t hit fun.

I’m fairly simple aren’t I? No big fancy cars or anything like that but a man wants what he wants. So tell me, what do you want when you grow up? It can be anything. Something you can’t wait to get your hands on.

Vaya con Dios.

[i] Looking-a** ninjas with they looking a**es. I didn’t have an actual neighbor until I was in about the sixth grade. Before that it was just a field. That field was quiet. Didn’t argue with his boo bat girlfriend or have loud sex with his girlfriend.

[ii] Danger and Godzilla are what I want to name my future pet dogs…not children. What kind of a dumba** names their kids something arcane and a**hatish like Danger and Godzilla. That’s like naming your kid Blue Ivy… Oh, I’m sorry. What that your sacred cow?

[iii] I always wondered what “Crazier than a sh*thouse rat” meant but in my head I just compared living in a sh*thouse for a rat to living in a Baltimore for a human, or Michael Vick’s house for a dog.


10 responses to “The Things I Want

  1. You’re right, I have a list of what I want when I grow up.. Unfortunately, I cannot find said list, so I’ll try to remember it..

    1. A tree in my backyard: When I was 8 we got a house that had the hugest tree. I would wake up early and go sit under it. Or run the hose and make mud under it, but ever since then, I’ve fantasized (not sure about that spelling) about having a tree big enough to sit under.

    2. A window seat: Not talkin bout Badu’s kind, but one in my house. 2nd floor of some city up north.. I imagine sitting on it when it’s cool and reading. Cushions on it in my favorite jewel tones. That’s life!

    3. A library: I’m talkin a room dedicated to my books. Ceiling to floor bookcase that takes up a wall and I want one of the old school ladders on wheels that rolls. A leather chair with that lamp that hangs right over it.

    4. A dog:Not a yappy dog. I want a dog that my children can ride like a horse. A golden labrador named Cujo. He will have a doggy door so he can just walk in the yard, cuz after dogsitting, getting woken up to go take the dog out is NOT the business..

    5. A boat: Best New Years I had involved champagne and shrimp and a boat ride down to Biscayne Bay. No traffic, no parking, just sitting on the water watching the fireworks. I’m sorry for you guys in those landlocked states. I don’t like Florida, but that beach/access to body of water is something serious. Getting stuck on a sandbar? that’s NOT the business either.

    6. A mountain home: Drove my brother up to North Carolina one summer. Let’s just say, that’s some of the most beautiful country I’ve ever seen in my life. And the air?? It’ll have you feelin all close to God and whatnot..
    This list is waayy too long so I’m just gonna end this here.. LAWD!
    upon further review, I’m not gonna name my dog Cujo.. Something about that don’t rock right.
    Great post Wu!!

    • Thanks Nick

      1. A tree is a must for the yard. I wold say a pine but Moneypenny and my allergies would go nuts. It’s funny that I grew up and we had about 15 pine trees in our yard and I never had problems with pollen or allergies. I moved 78 miles to the East and I’m a mess.
      2 & 3 Funny, I will always equate the two words “window seat” with that weirdo Badu now. With the window seat and library (personal spaces) are dope. Your personal holes to hide in.
      4. William T. Danger and Godzilla will be awesome.
      5. I’m not a boat guy. They are fun but the upkeep, taxes, and cost of gas is nuts. I guess if you are balling it doesn’t matter.
      6. The moutains down South are nice. I heard they are awesome during the summer because you get a different feel than the flatter regions of the South. I will say that every time I think of southern mountain regions I think of the criminals on Justified.

    • a library! YESSSS!!!!!

  2. i like this post!!!

    i want: backyard. i don’t believe in condos. if i own something, there is a yar and a driveway attached.

    i want: a balcony.

    i want: a place to regularly retreat to (in my house or in the world).

    i want: a yearly weekly trip to refresh myself. to the islands. to europe. to the mountains.

    i want: a family. i come from a family of 5 kids, my future has visions of torn christmas paper, fighting over fired plantain and standing outside my house talking to the neighbours about the english teacher and if x will babysit y.

    that’s all i can think of!

    • “i want: a place to regularly retreat to (in my house or in the world”

      Well, it’s good to have a safe house to hold up in when the sh*t goes down.

      I didn’t include family on my list because I was arrogantly thinking a few steps ahead of the family. #hubris But making my son or daughter learn how to change oil while I have a beer and make sure they don’t f*ck up does have an appeal to it.

  3. great list. all things i would be happy and willing for my man to have (assuming i ever share a life with some one).

    im also not a person who wants a bunch of luxury when i grow up, just simple things that i think would make my life lovely.

    my list?
    1. a house. obvious? i know a lot of grown as people who rent their homes/apts. i want to OWN a house. a big house. not mansion style. just big enough for the fam to each their own bedroom (i only plan on having 2 kids so this shouldnt be difficult), guest room, a study, and a place for the hubby to have his man cave. a nice big kitchen, living room, and family would also be nice.
    2.yards–front AND back. i love the smell and look of lots of green grass. the front should be large enough for my kids to play catch or football safely without too much worry of tumbling out into the street. i dont necessarily need backyard that would require my husband to ride a motorized lawn mower to cut, but something large enough to hold lots of trees, a garden for me, a back patio (complete with outside patio furniture, grill, and play set for the kids), and a….
    3. pool. im a swimmer, i love to swim. and i love to just wade in the water, like an old negro spiritual. but id only really want a pool if i lived on the west coast or somewhere down south. pools are too much work up north.
    4. front porch. or a sun room of sorts. it sounds so Gone With the Wind but i like the idea of having someplace outdoors (or outdoors-ish) to retreat on a hot day, to sit in a rocking chair to sip sweet tea or fresh squeezed lemonade, and just chill.
    5. travel money. i want to be able to travel somewhere around the world at least once a year. i want to be able to go where i want without too much worry about whether or not i’ll have to sell a kidney, a child, or body part in order to do it.

    if i had all those things, i would consider myself an accomplished and content adult.

    • I don’t need or want a ton of luxury either. Luxury does not equal enjoyment.

      You’re the first person to list a pool.I wonder if I had one would I swim more?

      I feel you on the porch. Good times are to be had on porches.

      Travel is dope too. I kind of want to go place where we’re the only black people just to see what’s up.

  4. There are so many things that I want when i grow up….
    1. I want a big house out in the country down souf in Mississippi, Alabama or Louisiana with a huge front porch and a lot of land. i want my grand kids to have peach or plum trees to pick from as i cuss them out for touching my trees

    2. i want my parents to be able to retire down the street from my big country house

    3. I want to have some peace within myself.

    4. In an ideal world i would have 6 kids, My mom is one of 14 and my dad is one of 13. That is no longer realistic for me but I will try to get to as many as possible.

    5.I want a closet full of straw hats, sundresses, sandals and tennis shoes. At heart I am a simple country girl, i dont need much.

    Ill stop now lol. Love this!

    • I would love to live in the country but that would be for a possible second spot. That reminds me of something that I omitted from my liste des choses. (I think that’s right) I want a tractor. Gotta have a tractor.

      Two, three, and four are big. If you have all of this sharing it would only be natural.

  5. The Only Real Outcast


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