Thanks to my sister, Dale I’m a pretty big sports fan. A bulk of my view about sports is based on what I learned from by watching her when I was a young warthog. For instance I am both an Oakland Raiders and UNC Tar Heel men’s basketball fan because that’s who she watched and pulled for. However, this little of post of mine isn’t about teams that I actually like.
Every sports fan has a team or group of teams that they absolutely loathe. They may be a rival for your squad or they may not. Their defeats are almost as sweet as your squad’s victory. [i] So after b**tching about not having anything to write about for about a month I’ve decided to compile a somewhat comprehensive list of teams that I’m sure that I’ll never, ever, ever, ever pull for. [ii]
1. The Duke Blue Devils (Men’s Basketball) – Like I said, I grew up a Tar Heel fan and in my mind Coach K’s squad represents pure, unadulterated evil. I have nothing to back that claim up with but I cannot remember a single time in my life when I sat in front of the television while Duke was losing and said “Man, I hope they this pulls out.” [iii] Seeing the Blue Devils on the ropes and watching Coach K pretend to not be concerned is certainly almost as sweet as this happening against UNC. I don’t blame folks like Grant Hill for making me hate Duke but I do blame Dick Vitale, my friends Ferdi and Hassan, and Wojo. Especially Wojo.
2. The Denver Broncos – A frank and hammer and a nail are never going to love each other. It’s just not the way of the world. I’m a Raiders fan and the way I feel about the Broncos is the way Yankee fans feel about BoSox fans. I don’t view any other team in the AFC West as a rival except the Denver Broncos. No matter if it’s the horse face killers (Elway and Sharpe) or Tim Tebow I wish nothing but defeat upon those who inhabit Mile High Stadium. [iv] (Or whatever faceless corporate entity the stadium is named after now.) If the Raiders ever return to the top of the NFL heap they must dominate the Broncos to do it.
3. The Indiana Hoosiers (Men’s Basketball) – I have no damn reason to not like the Hoosiers but I absolutely can’t stand them. It’s probably Bobby Knight’s fault or some bullsh*t-a** reason like that. Even when the Hoosiers were good watching them was just…blah. They are a heaping bowl of vanilla ice cream with vanilla sprinkles on a hot summer’s day. Sure it’s far from the worst thing ever but it will never be my first, second, or tenth choice either.
4. The Citadel (In every aspect possible.) – I should dislike The Citadel’s sports teams because I they are the College of Charleston’s crosstown rival. Sadly, that has nothing to do with anything. I dislike them because at 4:30am on April 12th, 1861 Citadel cadets were among those who lit the fuses on the cannons that started a little kerfuffle that would lead to 600,000 dead Americans. [v]
5. The Auburn Tigers (Football) – Again we have a hammer not loving a nail situation. I pull for Alabama’s football team so my dislike of Auburn’s football squad is necessary. I don’t live in Alabama so I’m not a raging psycho about the Alabama/Auburn rivalry but I just can’t bring myself to pull for the Tigers. [vi] I’m not foolish enough to not admit that both Bo Jackson and Cam Newton were dope. I will never kill anything for the sake of my teams but I will say Roll Tide whenever I get the chance.
6. The Clemson Tigers (Football) – In the state of South Carolina when it comes to college football you have a few choices to make. You can pull for any college football team that you want to. This team does not have to be Clemson or South Carolina but there is one minor detail: You have to pick one of the previously mentioned teams that you have to pull against. I chose to dislike Clemson. This is mainly because all of my siblings attended USC, I generally want the Gamecocks to do well to rep the state, and because most Clemson fans have this odd “better than” attitude that is based on nothing. [vii] If you are going to be arrogant, be arrogant for a reason.
7. The Los Angeles Lakers – Cause your supposed to not like them. When I prematurely posted this blog on Sunday Malik commented that the Lakers were too low on the list. They rank this low because I don’t care about the NBA. (Watching the NBA to me is like watching Piers Morgan on CNN. It might grab your attention briefly then you realize what the hell you’re doing and change the channel.) I used to care but now it gives me the blahs. The NBA is almost on the same level with hockey and NASCAR with me. Blame Kobe’s rat face.
Pardon me if my dislike of these teams makes me seem as if I’m a massive hater or something but to be honest with yourselves- part of rooting for your teams or any team is based on wanting some other team of clowns to lose. Every sports fan, whether hardcore or casual, has a squad that when defeated secretly makes them do the Herman Cain smile on the inside. What are yours? I know I picked a few universally reviled teams but feel free to co-sign or add more. The more regional hate the better too. So feel free to let all of your sports dislike out right here. I’ll listen well.
Vaya con Dios.
[ii] I’m about 99% sure about this. As an example of my sureness, I’m about as sure that I would never root for these teams as I’m sure that the people who created Forever Lazy, the Snuggie, and Glee hate America and your mothers.
[iv] As much grief as I give Elway and Sharpe I have to admit that they both were damn good. They gave the Raiders problems for a long time. I honestly, thought Elway was the best QB ever until Peyton and Brady showed up.
[v] I mean did you really think you could just take your ball and slaves and go home. Really!?!?
[vi] I still maintain that if I ever lived in Alabama that I would not pull for Bama. I don’t do cult like ish.
[vii] Sure Clemson
bought won a national title in 1981 but that doesn’t make you elite. It just makes you Georgia. I think the stems from an odd little personality quirk that many South Carolinians have that just won’t allow us to let go of things that happened in the past. (See endnote v.)