Manly Sh*t That Well Makes Me Feel…Manly

The Stone Foxes–“I’m A King Bee”

For about six years or so I’ve maintained that the line that demarcates what manhood is or isn’t in America is getting really damn blurry.  A good portion of my sentiment about being a carrier of a Y chromosome is based on the fact that I’m puzzled by the behavior of guys that are six to ten years younger than me.[i] To be blunt, these little millennial dudes are soft. I know that where I’m from, who raised me, who I hang out with, and my personally beliefs dictate what I deem to be appropriate dude behavior and what isn’t.[ii]

Simply put all of this damn swag that floating around the planet’s surface these days is in name only. These cats are walking around with swagger but haven’t earned any of that sh*t. Sorry Cletus, but your colorful-a** shirts and tight, sagging pants aren’t leaving a positive impression anyone that matters.

Okay, that did turn into and old man rant didn’t it? You were warned remember, so do say anything to me about it latter.

Anyhow there are certain things that always make me feel like King Kong. They aren’t anything major but in my mind they up my manhood factor ten-fold.

  1. Playing in dirt — It’s no secret that the smell of freshly tilled soil is one of my favorite scents on the Earth. Yes, dirt, the substance is filthy but to me the smell of dirt is the smell of clean. (If I had some land I would buy a tractor and a harrow just to turn the soil over so that I can smell the dirt.) I think this is why I enjoy it so. How does this make me feel manly? Well have you ever dug a ditch? Yes, it’s hard (#twss) and yes it’s a very tiring task but if you’ve dug a ditch your first reaction after the last shovel of dirt has been moved is “Sh*t, my back is tight.” The next is “I just dug a f**king ditch!” The same goes with planting a garden or whatever. I love it.
  2. Fixing things/manual labor— I’m not the most mechanically inclined cat on the planet. I do have aptitude up to a certain level though. I’m not the handiest dude either but my aptitude is passable. Whenever I repair or install something myself and it’s done correctly my manliness jumps up a bit. After I’m done I get my “gunslinger walk” on. (I’ve been told by Miss Moneypenny before that when I’m agitated or showing off after an accomplishment that my gait resembles that of a gunslinger. #WillKanegameproper) My paternal grandfather, who was hilarious btw, lived next door to my family and I would split fat lighter and wood for his heater in the afternoon during the winter.[iii] Ten to twenty minutes of swinging an ax was well worth it.
  3. Comforting Ms. Moneypenny— You could say that this one is out of place on my list and you would be dead wrong. It’s not as obvious as the other entries on my list but whenever I feel like I’m taking care of my “woman” I automatically feel like I’m the sh*t.  She had her wisdom teeth removed and I wouldn’t have been anywhere else but by her side in the after math. Sure it’s minor surgery but making her feel good (No Halle) makes me feel awesome.        On the flipside I’m the worst patient ever. I just want to be left alone when I’m down.
  4. Shooting at things— I will never be mistaken for a marksmen of any sort. I’m not Alvin C. York. I’m not Annie Oakley. I most certainly am not Vasily Zaytsev. I don’t have the desire to go into the woods and sit for hours and shoot some animal that I may or may not eat but know what? Shooting at sh*t is fun as well as therapeutic. I may shoot like Hank Hill but I feel like I’m ten feet tall when I’m doing it.
  5. A conversation with the team— I wrote a post a long time ago about my friends. I used the analogy of the crew being a superhero team because of the way we play off of each others talents. Any man who isn’t insane will admit that hanging out with his friends is necessary for your mental health and your moral compass. Call me odd but the thought of sitting around downing a Budweiser or four with my people is reassuring. It’s reassurance in the fact that your closest friends in the world are well-adjusted, competent, and responsible men. You are a reflection of your company and my company is that of men.

Every male has an activity that makes him feel like he’s earned the right to walk with a swagger. Ask him? He may tell a lie but it’s true. Fellas what makes you feel like Superman? Ladies what make things make you feel like every other creature on the planet should bask in your womaness? I’ve told you mine now tell me yours. I’m a man. I’ve said my piece. I’m a king bee!

Vaya con Dios.

[i] This post has the potential of turning into an old man rant. You’ve signed the appropriate wavers and have been warned damn it!

[ii] By “dude” I mean “male” not “Dude” in the Matthew McConaughey or Stephen Garcia manner.

[iii] If you knew what “Fat lighter” was before you clicked the link then you’re a** is country. Do not argue with me. Do not pass go. Just accept it.


17 responses to “Manly Sh*t That Well Makes Me Feel…Manly

  1. Oddly enough.. The first two on your list is what makes me feel like a bomb-azz chick..
    When I fixed the brakes on my car, I felt invincible.. And I did it with red nail polish on.. I don’t know why this matters, but the fact that it didn’t chip made me Beyonce’ strut all over the place..

    I’m known as the MacGyver around my house.. My mom will give me something that needs fixing and I’ll rig up something to get it done.. It’s funny, I’ve become quite the handywoman.. I love getting dirty..

    Oddly enough, I feel very womanly when I’ve worked up a good sweat doing something.. Being able to be badass outside, then come in and pretty it up makes me feel like I should be immortalized.. (Everyone can pick their own medium in which to carve my likeness..)
    But that’s just me..
    I’ll think of more later…

    • Nail polish huh? That’s impressive. My duct tape game is kind of tight from time to time… every home should have a roll.

      (Everyone can pick their own medium in which to carve my likeness..)
      Someone is feeling themself isn’t she!

  2. LOL! I had no clue as to what Fat Lighter was before now, and I like to think I’m country-esque as times.
    Digging ditches? Oh Lawd, I haven’t done that since I left home. Pops made my sister & I work out in the yard, right along with him & my brothers. So I know how to do most of that type ish, but do I choose to anymore? Hellz nah!
    What makes me feel super girly? When I’m wearing a dress. I don’t do it too often, but when I do. I feel all raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. I feel all sugar, spice & everything nice. Funny how an article of clothing can make you completely change up your game.
    Thanks for putting me on to the Stone Foxes. Hadn’t heard of them. I’m jammin’.

    • I would’ve figured a Texan would know of fat lighter. I just need to do something with a shovel or axe from time to time just keep my man credits up.

      I feel all raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens.

      Between this and Nick being immortalized, y’all are killing me.

      I heard that version of “King Bee” on a Jack Daniels commercials thinking it was the Black Keys but turns out I was wrong but surprised. I like it better than the Rolling Stones’ version.

      • Oh word? It’s a remake? Had NO idea!!
        …and no I hadn’t heard about fat lighter until earlier, my folks ain’t chop too much wood…lol

  3. I never really thought about it but I think I like the smell of dirt too. I like the smell of red dirt better because that is what I am used to from my area. That white dirt that you find in the easter part of Lancaster kind of bothers me. I guest it would be easier to wash out of dirty clothes though.

    CUTTING MY GRASS. Man, if I can get out in 90 degree sun and whack down my grass in about 40 min, I feel like a champ. Now, if I immediately follow that grass cutting with washing my car,,,,,,YOU CAIN’T TELL ME SH*T!

    Other than the car and grass, anything that allows me to assemble, repair or destroy an object gives me a kick. Following these activities, I just feel like stepping back to observe my work and striking a Kool Moe Dee “how you like me now” pose.

    • I like that dark stuff that’s below the Fall Line in SC. It’s rich and extremely messy. Y’all Lancaster ninjas would have white dirt. Thinking that you’re better than.

      Mowing the lawn is a pain in the ass but you do feel good when you’re done!

      “How you like me now” huh? I usually just stand there with my hands on my hips then do my gunslinger walk.

  4. Baiting a fishing rod or pole…. Okay.. I will stop now because I can on forever.

  5. Pingback: Purple Tape Sh*t/Stuck Off The Realness | Up Here on Cloud 9

  6. its funny bcuz 1 and 2 on your list make me feel very accomplished. not in an “iont need no man, i can do it myself” kinda way. but i just feel good doing it.

    nonetheless, everything on your list makes me feel like a woman, when MY man has done them. i love smelling a man who has worked up a good sweat working out in the yard, or putting together some furniture, or done some work on my car. i love sending my man off to go hang with his boys to do manly bonding and knowing that he has a good foundation, just like i do with my girl friends. manly stuff that my man does just makes me feel womanly.

    wearing a dress or wearing nail polish (esp pink or red) makes me feel very feminine. drinking martinis make me feel feminine. cooking a meal for my man makes me feel feminine.

  7. I like feminine women… No disrespect to the ones that are rough around the edges.

  8. Pingback: The Things I Want | Up Here on Cloud 9

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