The Stone Foxes–“I’m A King Bee”
For about six years or so I’ve maintained that the line that demarcates what manhood is or isn’t in America is getting really damn blurry. A good portion of my sentiment about being a carrier of a Y chromosome is based on the fact that I’m puzzled by the behavior of guys that are six to ten years younger than me.[i] To be blunt, these little millennial dudes are soft. I know that where I’m from, who raised me, who I hang out with, and my personally beliefs dictate what I deem to be appropriate dude behavior and what isn’t.[ii]
Simply put all of this damn swag that floating around the planet’s surface these days is in name only. These cats are walking around with swagger but haven’t earned any of that sh*t. Sorry Cletus, but your colorful-a** shirts and tight, sagging pants aren’t leaving a positive impression anyone that matters.
Okay, that did turn into and old man rant didn’t it? You were warned remember, so do say anything to me about it latter.
Anyhow there are certain things that always make me feel like King Kong. They aren’t anything major but in my mind they up my manhood factor ten-fold.
- Playing in dirt — It’s no secret that the smell of freshly tilled soil is one of my favorite scents on the Earth. Yes, dirt, the substance is filthy but to me the smell of dirt is the smell of clean. (If I had some land I would buy a tractor and a harrow just to turn the soil over so that I can smell the dirt.) I think this is why I enjoy it so. How does this make me feel manly? Well have you ever dug a ditch? Yes, it’s hard (#twss) and yes it’s a very tiring task but if you’ve dug a ditch your first reaction after the last shovel of dirt has been moved is “Sh*t, my back is tight.” The next is “I just dug a f**king ditch!” The same goes with planting a garden or whatever. I love it.
- Fixing things/manual labor— I’m not the most mechanically inclined cat on the planet. I do have aptitude up to a certain level though. I’m not the handiest dude either but my aptitude is passable. Whenever I repair or install something myself and it’s done correctly my manliness jumps up a bit. After I’m done I get my “gunslinger walk” on. (I’ve been told by Miss Moneypenny before that when I’m agitated or showing off after an accomplishment that my gait resembles that of a gunslinger. #WillKanegameproper) My paternal grandfather, who was hilarious btw, lived next door to my family and I would split fat lighter and wood for his heater in the afternoon during the winter.[iii] Ten to twenty minutes of swinging an ax was well worth it.
- Comforting Ms. Moneypenny— You could say that this one is out of place on my list and you would be dead wrong. It’s not as obvious as the other entries on my list but whenever I feel like I’m taking care of my “woman” I automatically feel like I’m the sh*t. She had her wisdom teeth removed and I wouldn’t have been anywhere else but by her side in the after math. Sure it’s minor surgery but making her feel good (No Halle) makes me feel awesome. On the flipside I’m the worst patient ever. I just want to be left alone when I’m down.
- Shooting at things— I will never be mistaken for a marksmen of any sort. I’m not Alvin C. York. I’m not Annie Oakley. I most certainly am not Vasily Zaytsev. I don’t have the desire to go into the woods and sit for hours and shoot some animal that I may or may not eat but know what? Shooting at sh*t is fun as well as therapeutic. I may shoot like Hank Hill but I feel like I’m ten feet tall when I’m doing it.
- A conversation with the team— I wrote a post a long time ago about my friends. I used the analogy of the crew being a superhero team because of the way we play off of each others talents. Any man who isn’t insane will admit that hanging out with his friends is necessary for your mental health and your moral compass. Call me odd but the thought of sitting around downing a Budweiser or four with my people is reassuring. It’s reassurance in the fact that your closest friends in the world are well-adjusted, competent, and responsible men. You are a reflection of your company and my company is that of men.
Every male has an activity that makes him feel like he’s earned the right to walk with a swagger. Ask him? He may tell a lie but it’s true. Fellas what makes you feel like Superman? Ladies what make things make you feel like every other creature on the planet should bask in your womaness? I’ve told you mine now tell me yours. I’m a man. I’ve said my piece. I’m a king bee!
Vaya con Dios.
[i] This post has the potential of turning into an old man rant. You’ve signed the appropriate wavers and have been warned damn it!
[iii] If you knew what “Fat lighter” was before you clicked the link then you’re a** is country. Do not argue with me. Do not pass go. Just accept it.