Nikki Jean ft Lupe Fiasco Black Thought – Million Star Motel
A horribly kept secret about me is that I read a lot of fiction and watch a lot of television. I’m extra nerdy when it comes to characters and their specific behaviors. Overtime I’ve developed the horrible habit of breaking down fictional characters’ personalities and actions leading me to wonder why they do what they do on the page or the screen. For instance I always compared Sawyer from Lost to Wolverine. On the outside they appeared to be truly horrible men with abrasive habits and personalities. On the inside they actually were trying to be good men while dealing with the circumstances of what pushed them to the left.
On the other hand there are characters that only make me shake my head. Their actions, no matter how benign only piss me off. Sure some of the things that they may do may not harm anyone (Some actions may very well harm folks.) but still make me utter “So and so ain’t sh*t!” I’m left thinking “What’s wrong with you?” while I’m reading or watching. Some of these characters evolve into their states of ain’t sh*tness while others start there.
So without driving up my word count here’s my list:
- Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) – If I ever have a daughter who is destined to live in a world with werewolves, rednecks, shape shifters, and vam-piresss I pray to God that she doesn’t turn out like Sookie Stackhouse. One moment she’s tee-heeing and playing the damsel in distress role running from some creature who wants her for dinner and the next she’s having a bang out session with the same vampire. A few hours later she’s mad when she finds out that she’s not the center of everyone’s attention. She’s bull-headed, self-righteous, unreliable, and never listens to the people who care about her. Clearly not sh*t.
- Scott Summers (X-Men, Marvel Comics 616 universe) – From the moment I started reading comics books I knew one thing; I have a very strong dislike for Scott Summers. His ain’t sh*tness was reaffirmed when Kurt Wagner got killed protecting that brat Hope. Due to the father/son dynamic he has with Professor Xavier, working with Summers is akin to playing little league with the coaches’ son. He’s possibly the worst husband ever. After his girlfriend Jean Grey died the first time he marries a clone of her and was too damn dumb to notice that she looked exactly the same as his dead wife. He basically ignores his kids Nathan and Rachel because he’s too busy being a mutant Captain America. I guess that’s why everyone cheered when Storm beat him up back in the day.
- Captain Ahab (Moby Dick) – Being obsessed is one thing. On the other hand being obsessed with a damn whale is an entire kind of ain’t sh*t. Ahab, a psychotic Quaker was crazier than a bag of snakes and equally stubborn. Yeah, I know the whale took your leg but old Ahab needed to know when to let go. Things would have been fine if he was just in the business of whaling but the moment he decided throw all of his profit away and endanger the lives of his crew just to hand out some revenge on a creature that wasn’t losing any sleep over him. Mon capitaine. Les baleines tout simplement pas qu’en vous.
- Mayella Ewell (To Kill A Mockingbird) – Mayella Ewell was a weirdo, redneck girl with no friends. One day Tom Robinson comes along and the next thing you know he’s on trial for rape. The thing is she and her drunkard of a father Bob made the whole thing up. If you read the book or saw the film you know all of this comes to light during the trial but poor Tom Robinson is still convicted and is latter shot trying to escape. She ain’t sh*t because she pulled a Susan Smith and tried to get a black dude caught up in some bull.
Shaunie O’Neal (Basketball Wives) – Nevermind, she’s on my list of actual people who aren’t sh*t. Nooo, no, no stop fighting, we’re on vacation.
- Salim Malik (Slumdog Millionaire) – The man with the Colt 45 says ‘shut up!’ Salim was truly a bad seed. His mother was dead and I still felt sorry for her. For some reason he never want Latika in his brother Jamal’s life and did his best to prevent that very thing from happening. He damn near threw her from a train, leaving her to live life at the mercy of a gangster, and then pulls the aforementioned Colt .45 on his brother so that he could possibly have Latika for his ain’t sh*t self. Although he did the right thing in the end his resume is filled with so many incidents of ain’t sh*tness that it’s hard to ignore.
Those are my top choices of fictional characters who I deemed not to be sh*t. Are there any fictional people that you love to hate because of their actions on the screen or the page? Tell it!
Vaya con Dios.
*I considered placing Master Sergeant Waters from A Soldier’s Play/Story but his ain’t sh*tness was done so masterfully that you can’t help but admire some of it.*