Fictional Characters Who Officially Ain’t Sh*t To Me

Player hater!

Nikki Jean ft Lupe Fiasco Black Thought – Million Star Motel

A horribly kept secret about me is that I read a lot of fiction and watch a lot of television. I’m extra nerdy when it comes to characters and their specific behaviors. Overtime I’ve developed the horrible habit of breaking down fictional characters’ personalities and actions leading me to wonder why they do what they do on the page or the screen. For instance I always compared Sawyer from Lost to Wolverine. On the outside they appeared to be truly horrible men with abrasive habits and personalities. On the inside they actually were trying to be good men while dealing with the circumstances of what pushed them to the left.

On the other hand there are characters that only make me shake my head. Their actions, no matter how benign only piss me off. Sure some of the things that they may do may not harm anyone (Some actions may very well harm folks.) but still make me utter “So and so ain’t sh*t!”  I’m left thinking “What’s wrong with you?” while I’m reading or watching. Some of these characters evolve into their states of ain’t sh*tness while others start there.

So without driving up my word count here’s my list:

  1. Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) – If I ever have a daughter who is destined to live in a world with werewolves, rednecks, shape shifters, and vam-piresss I pray to God that she doesn’t turn out like Sookie Stackhouse. One moment she’s tee-heeing and playing the damsel in distress role running from some creature who wants her for dinner and the next she’s having a bang out session with the same vampire. A few hours later she’s mad when she finds out that she’s not the center of everyone’s attention.  She’s bull-headed, self-righteous, unreliable, and never listens to the people who care about her.  Clearly not sh*t.
  2. Scott Summers (X-Men, Marvel Comics 616 universe) – From the moment I started reading comics books I knew one thing; I have a very strong dislike for Scott Summers. His ain’t sh*tness was reaffirmed when Kurt Wagner got killed protecting that brat Hope. Due to the father/son dynamic he has with Professor Xavier, working with Summers is akin to playing little league with the coaches’ son. He’s possibly the worst husband ever. After his girlfriend Jean Grey died the first time he marries a clone of her and was too damn dumb to notice that she looked exactly the same as his dead wife. He basically ignores his kids Nathan and Rachel because he’s too busy being a mutant Captain America. I guess that’s why everyone cheered when Storm beat him up back in the day.
  3. Captain Ahab (Moby Dick) – Being obsessed is one thing. On the other hand being obsessed with a damn whale is an entire kind of ain’t sh*t. Ahab, a psychotic Quaker was crazier than a bag of snakes and equally stubborn. Yeah, I know the whale took your leg but old Ahab needed to know when to let go. Things would have been fine if he was just in the business of whaling but the moment he decided throw all of his profit away and endanger the lives of his crew just to hand out some revenge on a creature that wasn’t losing any sleep over him. Mon capitaine. Les baleines tout simplement pas qu’en vous.
  4. Mayella Ewell (To Kill A Mockingbird) – Mayella Ewell was a weirdo, redneck girl with no friends. One day Tom Robinson comes along and the next thing you know he’s on trial for rape. The thing is she and her drunkard of a father Bob made the whole thing up. If you read the book or saw the film you know all of this comes to light during the trial but poor Tom Robinson is still convicted and is latter shot trying to escape. She ain’t sh*t because she pulled a Susan Smith and tried to get a black dude caught up in some bull.
  5. Shaunie O’Neal (Basketball Wives) – Nevermind, she’s on my list of actual people who aren’t sh*t. Nooo, no, no stop fighting, we’re on vacation.
  6. Salim Malik (Slumdog Millionaire) – The man with the Colt 45 saysshut up!’ Salim was truly a bad seed. His mother was dead and I still felt sorry for her. For some reason he never want Latika in his brother Jamal’s life and did his best to prevent that very thing from happening. He damn near threw her from a train, leaving her to live  life at the mercy of a gangster, and then pulls the aforementioned Colt .45 on his brother so that he could possibly have Latika for his ain’t sh*t self. Although he did the right thing in the end his resume is filled with so many incidents of ain’t sh*tness that it’s hard to ignore.

Those are my top choices of fictional characters who I deemed not to be sh*t. Are there any fictional people that you love to hate because of their actions on the screen or the page? Tell it!

Vaya con Dios.

*I considered placing Master Sergeant Waters from A Soldier’s Play/Story but his ain’t sh*tness was done so masterfully that you can’t help but admire some of it.*


16 responses to “Fictional Characters Who Officially Ain’t Sh*t To Me

  1. I know exactly what you mean with the Sawyer/Wolverine comparison. Sawyer was always my favorite character on LOST.

    And cosign on the Scott Summers hate. He never appealed to me. I felt like he was always crying about something. Come to think of it, he gives me the same feeling that Jack gave me from LOST. It all makes sense now. #ButNotReally

    • The thing is I never hated Jack. He never sought out the leadership position but it was thrust upon him. Xavier made Scott into the d-bag that he is.

      As much as I love Sawyer and Logan they both had bad qualities. Although he is one of my favorite characters I always thought he had some loser tendencies. Constantly hitting on his friends and coworkers women (Remember he hit on Mary Jane) and the self-loathing thing goes to far at times.

      • I think I mainly hated Jack from seasons 2-5. Even though Jack might have had the leadership position thrust upon him, his need to fix everything and everyone just made it seem like he was always trying too hard. I dunno.

        • I see what you’re saying. Jack had Christina Hawthorne type need to fix everything. It did become tired but I also take that he had to deal with Locke and some other wackos into considerations. I miss that show. I often pretend the last season just didn’t happen. . . still trying to figure that sh*t. Honestly, the show lost me (pun) when they killed or got rid of my favorite characters like Ana Lucia, Walt, and Eko.

          On the X-Men front the X-Folks are splitting up.Some will side with Wolverine and others will side with Scott. Wolverine’s team are moving back to the Xavier’s crib in NY. I guess that makes sense because he’s an Avenger and what not.

          • Fair enough. And yeah, I was hoping Eko was going to last longer than that. Walt was so important for some reason in the first few seasons, then nothing. But regardless, I miss that show too. *pops in Season 3 bluray*

            Wow, didn’t know they were splitting up. Do you know who’s siding with who?

          • There have been a few teaser images floating around the net.

   This was put out and I can only make out a cape and goggles. I assume the goggles belong to Cannonball. The cape could be Storm’s. I would assume Rogue, Jubilee (She’s dependent on Logan’s blood due to vampirism), X-23, along with Peter and Kitty, and several of the students. Wolverine’s upset with Scott because he thinks training kids to be soldier’s at 14 is wrong. A former student Quentin Quire attacked the UN while Scott was speaking, prompting nations to view all 175 mutants left on Earth as a threat. Various nations activate their sentinels in response. Quire attacked the UN at the behest of the new Hellfire Club. Quire then returns to the X-Men and Wolverine didn’t like the fact that Cyclops lied to Steve Rogers when he asked what was going on.

            I don’t know who will fill out Scott’s squad besides Emma and Magneto.

            They’ve also leaked a teaser with Steve Rogers looking at photos of possible new recruits including Herc, Storm, Iceman, and Cloak and Dagger.

  2. I LOVE this post!

    *pushes reading glasses up*

    I c/s on Bruda Salim…dude was a trip! Evil arse

    Nina (from Love Jones) – Darius LOVED this woman. Loved her. And what does she do? Perpetuates the stupid woman stereotype: following through on bad advice from her girlfriend. She pisses me off. The movie almost didn’t have a happy ending because of HER, not Darius. His actions were simply a reaction to her foolishness. Bish.

    Paris (from the movie Troy)- Selfish prick. You just had to fall in love with Helen and bring her back with you eh? *DMX voice* Maaaan, look what you done started!!!! Mad people die b/c of this jerk’s decision. Including his brother Hector. Achilles rolls up to their home, project style…yelling out “Hectoooooor”. Hector comes outside and get his @ss beat (also b/c he killed Achilles cousin Patroclus) and dragged away on the back of A’s chariot.

    Mister (The Color Purple)- I really don’t think I need to explain why this ninja ain’t sh*t.

    • Something was wrong with Salim down to his very core.

      You know I never thought about Nina like that but I see what you’re saying. Nia Long’s characters have the tendency to be whiny too. Honestly, I liked Darius but I always assume poetry dudes are full of sh*t. (maybe I’m a hater.) His move were only reactions.

      Paris smh. This ninja started a war for some butt. His family, city, and life were thusly destroyed because he wanted some strange. Clearly not sh*t.

      Mister’s ain’t sh*tness is so clear it needs no explanation.

  3. “*I considered placing Master Sergeant Waters from A Soldier’s Play/Story but his ain’t sh*tness was done so masterfully that you can’t help but admire some of it.* ”

    Yeah, he needs his own blog post. The face that Adolph Caesar was so dayum convincing, I was beginning to think he wasn’t acting…LOL

    • Them Nazis ain’t all crazy. Whole lot of people just can’t seem to fit in to where things seem to be going. Like you, CJ. See, the Black race can’t afford you no more. There used to be a time, we’d see someone like you singin’, clownin’, yassuh-bossin’… and we wouldn’t do anything. Folks liked that. You were good. Homey kind of nigger. When they needed somebody to mistreat, call a name or two, they paraded you. Reminded them of the good old days. Not no more. The day of the Geechee is gone, boy. And you’re going with it

      He owned that role. Adolph Caesar did old black bastard so well you almost hated him for it. I could do several post about Sgt Waters.


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