There Wasn’t Anything Civil About the Civil War, I’m On a Boat, and a Few Other Thoughts About The Late Unpleasantness

His boat was better than Andy Samberg's.

I scheduled this post to go live at 4:30 am for specific reason. That time designates almost to the exact second the 150 year anniversary of the beginning of the American Civil War, which can only be described a series of unfortunate events with a few rays of sunshine. As many of you may know I live in Charleston, SC where the entire mess got started. To this day there is no more contentious issue within the old South. Northerners to their credit got over it and moved on.

After the events at Appomattox Courthouse there have been literally millions of reasons for the given for the causation of the war. There are a million more half-truths, myths, and various wild stories that are repeated over and over every time the Late Unpleasantness is mentioned.[1] I’ve stated before that I’m not enamored with the Civil War because of the fact that it is inherently uncivil. It is one black mark out of many on United States’ rap sheet.

So I’m going drop a few interesting and poignant facts about the Civil War. Many will be as unpleasant as the war was.

  1. The Civil War is often said to have been about “States rights”. It sure was. A state’s right to possess chattel as a labor force via a weak, immoral 10th Amendment argument. If had to fill out a survey asking you to list Ten things that caused the war was about you better list “slavery” at least eight times.
  2. The North did fight to end slavery and maintain the union but don’t fool yourself, racism among Northerners and Northern Soldiers existed. Many men donning blue could have cared less about slavery, the plight of blacks, and were in fact draftees doing a job. On the other hand many of their opponents had no dog in the slavery fight. Barn-burning Bill T. Sherman at times possess borderline white supremacist views. He was noted for stating his views against Negro-equality on several occasions.
  3. Everyone has heard at least one black person say “We’ve never received our 40 acres and a mule.” There’s a good reason for that. Special Field Order No. 15 was issued by my aforementioned favorite pyromaniac general. It granted close to 10, 000 emancipated slaves close to 400, 000 acres of arable land in South Carolina and Georgia. Special Field Order No. 15 would be reversed by President Andrew Johnson. Special Field Order No. 15 was considered battlefield or wartime policy of the Army and never an official policy of the civilian government.
  4. Who constantly celebrates getting their a**es kicked? Seriously?
  5. Robert Smalls’ legacy should be a much bigger deal in the canon of American history than it currently is. Who steals a naval vessel and then runs for Congress? Robert Smalls definitely pulled some Danny Ocean type moves when he absconded with the Planter.
  6. Events like the Battle of Fort Pillow and the ensuing massacre by the likes of Nathan Forrest only illustrates the level of dehumanizing hatred that can be associated with race and the Civil War.[2]
  7. If I could go back in time and observe this mess, I would ask various Native Americans what they thought about the situation. An American Civil War with hardly any participation from the original Americans seems foolish. It must have been akin to watching two groups of your a-hole neighbors arguing, knowing as soon as that argument ends they’ll start an argument with you.
  8. As big of history nerd as I am I still don’t understand these freaks. They are worse than Trekkies. I used to live with a Trekkie so I would know. Most people don’t reenact righteous moments in history so why the Battle of Chickamauga Swamp?[3]
  9. Although I abhor every idea they fought for the Confederate Army was kind of good.[4] They held off a larger, better equipped enemy for a long time.
  10. Any civil conflict where over 600,000 able-bodied men die or results in half of the nations infrastructure collapsing is not to be celebrated. There weren’t very many saints on either side of the conflict but I understand the purpose of the conflict. (I’ve heard picking cotton without the aid of John Deere sucks.) Emancipation is one of a small handful of events that marked turning points in American history.


So that’s my spiel. I just hope number eight doesn’t happen cause I don’t have the bail money right now. Give me your thoughts about it if you have any and please keep it civil won’t you?

Vaya don Dios.

[1] “The Late Unpleasantness” is a euphemism for recent wars but it is most often used to describe the Civil War. I’m guessing some learned, snooty, dandy from Charleston or Richmond thought he was being clever at a garden party one day.

[2] Nathan Forrest is many things. A brilliant cavalry officer, a slave trader, an alleged war criminal, and a domestic terrorist. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he is the guy in Forrest Gump whom Forrest says he was named after.

[3] If I don’t respond to any comments tomorrow (If there are any.), I’ve probably gone off on some fat dude dressed like a Confederate private and his fat, hoop skirt wearing wife because the just looked at me funny.

[4] In the opinion of this amateur historian I rank the CSA army third behind The Wehrmacht and The NVA/Viet Cong. I don’t agree with what they stood for but they were good at their jobs.


6 responses to “There Wasn’t Anything Civil About the Civil War, I’m On a Boat, and a Few Other Thoughts About The Late Unpleasantness

  1. I’ve always wondered about #4 myself.

    Great post!

  2. you mentioned just about every thought ive ever wondered about the Civil War. *smh*

    1. when it comes down to it, slavery is at the center of EVERY reason for the secession and the resulting war. slavery could stand alone as a reason, or tightly coupled to something else. no cutting the slavery piece out.
    2. the North was obligated to fight against slavery (because of #1) but that certainly doesnt mean they supported Negroes’ freedoms or rights. #2520sforya
    3. anytime i hear/read about 40acres and a mule, i always think of that reparations skit on the Chappelle Show.
    4. right? plus–you lost the war, you dont get to keep your flag. burn that b*tch.
    5. id never heard about Robert Smalls until this post. the more you know and sh*t…
    6. disgraceful.
    7. i have many “if i could ask a native American….” moments. and their ops on the CW is certainly one of them.
    8. *smdh* i dont understand them either. it pisses me off, quite frankly, to see ppl devote so much time, effort, and resources to this nonsense. again: you. lost.
    9. it actually is impressive and somewhat commendable. but i guess when you’re fighting to keep your ENTIRE way of living alive, you can accomplish just about anything. accept perhaps winning? *shrug*
    10. im happy with the results. im not sure im cut out for hard labor.

    great post, Wu!!!!!!!! goontastic 🙂

    • 1. All slavery all the time.
      2. Although Sherman was a racist pig I admire his style. I firmly believe in putting my foot all the way up someone’s a** if they make me take it there.
      3. I bought this baby straight cash!
      4. No victory no flag and hand over that cornbread too.
      5. Robert Smalls was a G with that sh*t.
      6. Sadly folks in Miss, wanted to put Nathan Forrest on a license plate… trogs.
      7. I’ve only met two Native Americans in my entire life. I thought one of them was a Puerto Rican.
      8. It’s always the freaks who take an l who want to play dress up.
      9. It is impressive. Most of these dudes had no dog in the fight. These poor yokels just did what they thought was correct. On the other hand some of these f**ks owned that sh*t. See the Wehrmacht.
      10. The results were awesome. This freedom stuff is the business.

      • 4. No victory no flag and hand over that cornbread too.
        put this sh*t on a t-shirt… STAT!

        7. I’ve only met two Native Americans in my entire life. I thought one of them was a Puerto Rican.
        lmao this is why i ❤ you!!

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