To Hell and Back. (Why I hate solicitation.)

This morning was, for the most part a usual work day morning for me. I got up drank coffee, did some reading, watched the episode of Southland that I DVR’d last night. (I really should have watched that and taped The Game instead.), and mentally prepped myself for hump day. Like I said, it was a usual morning for the most part.

I got ready for work and braced myself to get hit by the cold. (This is the unusual portion of the morning.) Unlike just about every other morning I didn’t open my door to see what was going on outside like I normally do when I initially wake up.* So anyway, I open the door and see a DVD in a plastic cellophane cover with a label that says “Free DVD To Hell and Back”. My initial thought was about “To Hell and Back” the biographical war movie from 1955 about Audie Murphy’s exploits before and during WWII. When I flipped the DVD over I saw it contained a pamphlet that read “Donde Pasara La Eternidad?” on the top and “Se Le Esta Acabando El Tiempo Rapidamente!”** Using one of my many mutant powers, the one of stringing context clues together, I figured out that this was some kind of a religious DVD and tract. I watched the DVD when I got to work and it was some crazy looking white guy talking about thinking he was going to see the light but instead seeing and experiencing pure terror when he thought he was near death. Hell of a drug that cocaine.


I’m just going to put this out there; I hate solicitations. I don’t like it when I’m in the mall and some rapper and his crew try to get me to buy their mix tape.*** I don’t like it when Jehovah’s Witnesses try to hand me whatever when I’m walking down the street or sitting in my driveway changing my break pads with my hands covered in grease. I don’t like it when I’m on my cell phone and someone asks me to come to their business seminar at the Airport Marriott. I have no desire to sell Body magic, spanks, or self sharpening steak knives. **** I don’t like it when it is done through passive aggressive means like leaving crap on my door knob or door step. *****

My problem with solicitation is that the solicitor assumes that someone actually gives a damn or cares. Don’t put things on people’s cars in parking lot, at their doorstep, or interrupt them when they are out minding their business. Your passion for or about something may not translate to their feelings about the same thing. Hell people who read the crap I write may not be amused or interested by my keystrokes as I am. ******

My questions to you are these:

What was the worse instance of solicitation that you’ve ever been apart of? Were you the solicitor or solicited? What product or cause was being solicited?  Am I justified to be irked by this or am I just being a sociopath? Let me know.

Vaya con Dios.

*By “going on outside” I mean checking the weather or seeing if Man-Man or Peaches have killed each other and left the corpse outside in the hallway.

**I don’t speak any Spanish. I was able to make out the words meaning where, eternity, time, and fast. For any of you that actually habla please make sure I’m correct.

***A rapper named Crunk Young Coonhound once gave my man Mario a mix tape. He is possibly the worst rapper ever and we thoroughly enjoyed his lack of talent. I’m not sure if he is worse than Bangs, 50 Tyson, or Diddy but he was rather horrible.

****Seriously, nothing good ever happens at airport hotels. Ask Juanita Bynum.

*****I don’t care if it’s a menu for Chinese takeout or religious stuff. I’m not banging on anybody in particular.

******Fact!!! Self –awareness is good for you.


10 responses to “To Hell and Back. (Why I hate solicitation.)

  1. My parents hate the vacuum cleaner salesmen. They are so persistent in wanting to show off their product by cleaning a square foot of our carpet. Uhm, one of them was successful. My mom bought the expensive Kirby… over a thousnad bucks.

    • Wow, I didn’t know that there were still vaccuum cleaner salesmen. I remember the Electrolux salesguy coming to our house but I think Moms called him for an actual repair. A thousand dollar vacuum? What else does it do?

  2. I was taking the bus to work a few years back and I swear this car drives by, turns around in an apartment complex a little down the road and then drops off an old lady at the bus stop. The car then pulls up 20 ft and just sits there. The old lady comes and sits at the bus stop for about 5 minutes (awkwardly glancing my way the whole time) before approaching me with a Watchtower magazine. When I politely declined and she finally took no as an answer, she hopped her ass back in the car and they took off.

    I was baffled.

    • There were these weird kids I went to college with who attended and even weirder church. They were known for setting up what I called “Holy Ghost” ambushes around campus. They would follow you out of the cafeteria, walk a head of you, wait until you friends leave, and then make their pitch. I’m normally polite about this kind of stuff but the lady who tried to give me the tracts while I was working on my brakes, which were kicking my a** really irked me.

      • The Only Real Outcast

        I got ambushed on day too. It was outside the Caf after breakfast (ironically, it was a Sunday!)…like you said, they go after whoever gets separated from the pack…basic yet effective tactic. I was polite, but aggrivated by the whole thing.

  3. When I was in Vegas this one dude came up to me and asked me if I wanted to buy his mixtape. I said no and then he gave me his life story about how he’s an up and coming artist trying to do his thing, feed the children, blah blah blah. I gave him a couple of dollars just to shut him up and get him out of my face.

    The thing is, these people know (or I assume they know) that others generally don’t care about what they’re trying to share. But they go out and do it anyway because if you’re trying to share your faith or make your money you’re gonna have to annoy some people.

    • Yeah I heard Vegas was really bad about solicitation. Mostly dudes trying to hand you flyers about something sex related.

      I think some of the folks who do this get that they annoy people but some of the others are clueless of this. They have the attitude like “Why wouldn’t you want to be apart of whatever I’m pushing?”

      • Oh yeah, when you walk down The Strip there are Mexicans literally every 10 feet handing out flyers and cards for escort services. It’s hilarious cause they don’t say any words to you (mainly cause they don’t know English). They just push a card in your face while you’re walking. And then if it looks like you’re ignoring them, they smack the cards together to try to get your attention. They word hard for the pesos.

  4. The Only Real Outcast

    I got another one: I hate getting jumped outside Wal-Mart or some other place of business…I consider myself to be somewhat charitable (especially if kids are trying to raise their own $), but let me come to you or your table. Don’t step in front of me as I walk out the door. And please don’t try to jack me as I ENTER the store, that’s just poor technique, everyone knows you set for ambush for the exit–that way you can get their change!

    • About the guys that used to be on campus, it is extremely aggrivating. Seriously dude, it’s mid-terms and I spent the last three hours proof reading a paper on “100 years of Solitude”. Get the hell from around me!

      Wally World is always a good spot for annoyance. The outlet mall in Charleston is another spot too. When I was Christmas shopping this lady approached me about buying candy for her daughter’s Navy JROTC class. Where was your daughter first of all? Why isn’t she selling whatever? I tell here that I’ll get her on my way out. I then ask how long has her daughter been in JROTC and she says “I don’t know. She’s a junior. I never really get involved.”

      I forced myself to not make the Josey Wales Face and walk away. How about get involved next time.

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