“Good fences make good neighbors”
Mending Wall by Robert Frost
Do good fences make good neighbors? Is this really true Mr. Frost?
The Emperor Qin Shi Huang or China and later on his counterparts thought so. (Stupid Mongolians.) The French thought so when the started building the Maginot Line. (The really should have finished that thing. Watch your left flank Pierre. Watch your left flank.) The East Germans thought is was a good idea too. Hell South Korea should have thought about a wall too but that’s kind of pointless due to modern concepts of vertical envelopment and the potential of a Hennessy fueled fit of rage by Kim Possible, but I digress.
I really wish I had a fence. I wish I had a big sound proof fence that canceled out stupidity and the audio that coincides with the swapping of **** faces by Man-Man and his girlfriend or whatever she may be to him. All I have are some sheets of Chinese dry-wall and some brick and let me tell you one nugget that I hold to be fundamentally true: A few sheets of Chinese dry-wall and some brick don’t stop noise for sh*t!
“I grew up to myself not round no park bench”
“Two Dope Boyz (In a Cadillac) Andre 3000/OutKast*
For the bulk of my time in my current apartment I did not have next door neighbors. For a while there was a guy and his mom but they moved. After that I’ve held down my end of the hall way in my apartment complex all by my lonesome and I loved it. No smoke through the vents. No noise. No people standing outside talking on the phone. None of that ish.
I loved the fact that I was kind of loved the fact that I was alone on my little island. (Not Revis Island, but Wughanistan. By the way Revis, Nnamdi Asomugha is better than you! The announcers don’t call his name during the game because no one throws to his side of the field.) However my island life was interrupted recently. Not long ago I noticed curtains in the windows of the apartment next door. “***k!”
For about three weeks I didn’t see my new neighbors but one Saturday night Miss Moneypenny and I sure did hear them. I think we were watching boxing, or what passes for boxing now, and all of a sudden the worst two laughs ever heard by the ears of man were bellowed continuously for about two minutes. I have no idea what was so funny but they were laughing as if Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, and Rudy Ray Moore were all sitting in their living room drinking Wild Irish Roses and playing the dozens.
Yes, they were laughing that hard. “Hehe… hehe!”
A few weeks after that the guy who lives next door (I do not know his name. I don’t care to know it.) is outside talking in the loudest outside voice possible. I was just getting in from work so I wasn’t my naturally cheery self, and dude is talking to his girl friend, or whatever she is. He then looks at me and says “Bruh, I got woman troubles…” (I used ellipsis here because he said some other sh*t that I just don’t care to remember.)
I just responded to him “Word! That sh*t happens sometimes cuz.”**
Things were quiet until the week after Christmas. For about three days that week I would wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of my neighbor(s) (I’ll explain the use of the (s) in a second.) having the worst sounding sex ever. It was worst than the worst black pron could ever sound. Nothing like hearing two hood ninjas do it at 5 o’clock on a Saturday morning. Better than watching the sunrise.
Later on the day of the 5 o’clock incident I pass by dude outside and overhear his portion of a phone conversation “Don’t blame me for that. You need to take that up with your husband…” (There go those ellipsis again.) I just sho0k my head and tried to not inhale the Menthol smoke. (Of course this ninja smokes. Why wouldn’t he?)
So Monday morning I awake at exactly 3:16 a.m. to the sound of Man-Man and his girl friend arguing about him cheating on her with who I assumed was the woman he was telling to “Take that up with your husband…”. This was the most god-awful argument I’ve ever heard in my life. Even worse than this.***
For the next hour or so I listened to these phrases:
Man-Man’s girlfriend: “I’ll take my fat, country a** back to Georgetown tomorrow since you don’t want to ***k me.”
Man-Man: “Go on then b***h!”
Man-Man’s girlfriend: “You abuse me! You don’t have to hit me to abuse me!”
Man-Man: “Ain’t nobody abusing you!”
Man-Man’s girlfriend: “She’s just going to use you, YOU KNOW THAT!”
(The fact that he was cheating on her is why I used the (s) at the end of neighbor. I don’t really understand their living situation.)
This went on for a while. I didn’t hear the rest of it because I went and got my headphones and started listening to the radio until I fell asleep. I would spend the rest of the day tired and grumpy but thankfully it was a slow day.
After hearing all of this I started thinking about who would be the worst neighbors ever. So I’ve came up with five neighbors that I absolutely would not want anywhere near. These are the neighbors who I would fence out or in. Love may build a bridge but Wu Young is building a fence:
Nazi Germany (Aggressive Teutonic fascists, Purveyors of national aggression.)
Just tuck your chain when Deebo comes around. If you need me to explain why then your parents, several teachers, and the bulk of the school system that you attended has failed you.
Sheldon Lee Cooper Ph.D. (The Big Bang Theory)
Sheldon Cooper is one of my favorite television characters. He also is one of the more annoying characters in the history or television. If his antics weren’t funny he would outrank Frank Burns, Ross from Friends, and Steve Urkel.
Imagine if you’re in your apartment watching TV doing whatever and all of a sudden you hear “Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny!” accompanied by loud knocking on the door. Throw in some undiagnosed Aspergers’ Syndrome, all around weirdness, a dash of anal retentiveness, and you have a neighbor from hell.
Robert Sylvester Kelly (Musical innovator, illiterate scumbag)
R. Kelly is capable of creating some of the most beautiful modern R & B music. The only problem is that he ***ks little girls. During his 15 minutes of fame Antoine Dodson said the words “Hide your kids, hide your wife.” but in Sylvester’s case it should be “Hide your daughter, hide your wife.” I know he’ll try to touch your daughter but I would keep my eye on my wife too. (He’s a Flirt.) Being a convicted child molester means you have to register with local and state governments. Being a child molester who wasn’t convicted with money means that you can pretty much move into any neighborhood that you want to. Sucks don’t it?
The X-Men (Mutant superhero types, school teachers.)
The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning is located at 1407 Graymalkin Lane North Salem, New York (Westchester County). For years it served as the headquarters for the X-Men and the children that they teach. There are tons of positives to living near the X-Men: A) The Staff looks like a walking Benetton ad B) If you can afford to live in this neighborhood you’re just balling. C) There’s not a burglar dumb enough to screw around in your hood. The negatives however are just way too costly: A) You may wake up to the sound of a large jet taking off and landing in the middle of the night. B) Some pubescent teenager’s powers make go on the fritz. C) Giant robots may trample your begonias. D) Alien attacks. E) The Hulk may show up and trample your begonias. F) The occasional anti-mutant hate group may blow up a bus full of school children. Needless to say the property value for 1409 and 1410 Graymaklin Lane are for sh*t. Those teachers sure are pretty though.
Fred G. Sanford (Sanford & Son)
He’s got a yard full of junk. He’s an a**. He’s an racist a**. His son’s friend, Rollo may steal your hub caps and whatever else he can carry with him. If you live next to Fred G. Sanford you also live in Watts so take that for what it’s worth. Did I mention that he is an a**?
Gucci Mane (Rapper of sorts)
I’m not sure why but there’s no way in hell I would want to live next to Razor Lip Radric Davis. I just imagine it would be similar to living next to the Lethal Interjection Crew. Besides where Gucci goes, Waka can’t be far behind.
The United States (Superpower, shining light of freedom, the big swinging d**k)
It had to suck to be Canada during the Cold War. I’m just saying.
Here’s my list of people I wouldn’t want to have as neighbors. No superheroes, R&B thugs, or junk men. Who would you hate to live next near? How big would you build your fence? Let me know.
Vaya con Dios.
*This line is partially true for me. I didn’t exactly grow up by myself but I didn’t have a next door neighbor until I was in the seventh grade. I think this explains me not be fond of having neighbors. Or maybe I’m even more of a sociopath than I previously thought. Anyhow I just wanted to quote OutKast.
**This is Wu speak for “Shut your monkey-a** up and never talk to me again.
*** This post was originally on my old blog, The Woods.