As many of you know Four Loko is a designer alcoholic beverage that is marketed basically to hood rats, hood ******rs, college students, and other ne’er do wells. I didn’t know what Four Loko was until almost a year ago when my littlest big sister Dale asked me about it. (She asked me about it in a manner that suggested that if ****ed with low-class alcohol or something. I forgave her of course but I was a little disappointed that she would think that I would have knowledge of such things.) Recently, Harvard issued a warning to its students asking them not to purchase or drink Four due to health and safety concerns. The Harvard Crimson ran this story on yesterday, and Frank Bruni dubbed Four “Malt Liquor in Confectionary Drag.” In the New York Observer.
Here’s a little background on our spirit of choice.
- Four Loko is listed as an alcoholic energy drink. (That’s what the world needs, more wide-awake drunks.)
- It was developed by three Ohio State University Alumni. (Again with the Ohioans.)
- A total of nine flavors are available for purchase.
- Can be used as a substitute for napalm with the addition of two other key chemical components.
- A 23.5 oz can contain 12.0% alcohol by volume (abv). (In comparison a 12 oz Bud Ice (Which I’ve surprisingly never tasted.) is 5.5 % abv, an Ice House contains 5%, 12 oz, and Budweiser is 5% abv.) Thusly, the consumption of two cans of Four is roughly the equivalent of 1 ½ six packs of Budweiser.
- In lieu of GHB and Ecstasy, Satan uses Four to get his dates hammered.
- During the scene from The Wire episode “Not For Attribution” where Chris and Snoop interrogate “Mostly Blind” Butchie, the bartender about Omar’s whereabouts, the shows writers originally intended for Four to be used to pour down Butchie’s throat instead of liquor as a means of coercion but this was deemed too cruel and heinous, even for HBO.
- Uncle Ron refuses Four Loko endorsement deal saying this to the ad reps “Look here young blood, If ain’t Bull or Yak, I don’t ***k with it… now hand me that Black & Mild off that there table.”
Anyway, I’ve never tasted a Four Loko but that will change soon. I’m going to conduct an experiment to see what the affects of a 23.5 oz can of Fruit Punch flavored Four Loko is on a 31 year-old man who is stone sober with a full stomach. To the best of my ability I will try to make notations documenting my progress as I make my way through this 23.5 oz of liquid hell while watching a complicated science fiction show, The Event. Pray for me and let’s get it…
The following are notes that I made during and after my consumption.
8:58—Informed Miss Moneypenny of the particulars of the “experiment”
9:01 – Opened the 23.5 oz can of Four. (Fruit Punch Flavored)
I feel like Edward Norton in the last Hulk movie when he was injecting himself with cures for his Hulkism.
9:02—Took my first sips. Tastes like a combo of cheap fruit punch, Gatorade, stumphole, and cough medicine.
9:06—Noted a warm feeling in my chest, but no buzz.
9:11—This sh*t tasted bad!!!
9:16—This thing is flavored with Guarana and Taurine. What in the hell is Guarana and Taurine.
9:22—*Watching Monday Night Football* This stuff is strong but it isn’t powerful enough to make me not want to tell Jon Gruden to shut up.
9:23– *Watching the Women of Saturday Night Live* Rachel Dratch is the ugliest cast member of either sex ever! Maya Rudolph looks like a light-skinned version of her mom.
9:41—Seriously, am I the only Alabama fan who finds something creepy about Nick Saban.
9:44—I’m going to write a new gospel play: “For Colored Boys Who Considered Slingin’ Rocks When the Rest of The World Told You, You Ain’t Shi*t, Just Like Your Nappy-Headed Daddy”
9:48—I’ve got to stop dropping this pen. Approximately half way through the can.
10:17 – Nucky Thompson wouldn’t sell this stuff.
From approximately 10:25 – 10:45 I took a brake. I can actually feel the results of the alcohol now.
10:56 – I finished the can. At the moment I’m extremely tired. Going to take shower.
11:18 – Final thoughts for the night. There is nothing that I find appealing about Four. The taste is subpar and the buzz I have is not an enjoyable buzz. I’m actually not drinking again until after Thanksgiving.
11:26 – I’m heading to bed.
November 2, 2010
5:30am – Woke promptly but I feel like hell. Beginning to make coffee.
6:08am – 3:00 – I made no notes from this point on my gastrointestinal system has begun to punish me for my inconsiderate behavior. I clocked in at work and promptly left at 9:40. I got home around 10ish, vomited again brushed my teeth for the 100th time yesterday and fell asleep. During this time I suffered from chills and what seemed to be flu like symptoms. I awoke around 3 and went to vote.
There is nothing enjoyable about drinking Four. As I noted, I’m not sure what the exact appeal is. If my Allendale County math is correct a can is the equivalent of nine 12 oz bottles Budweiser. The morning after drinking this crap I have vomited more than I can remember in my 31 years.
Honestly this was an asinine thing to do for the sake of a blog. Moneypenny, I’m sorry for having done this to you.
This stuff should be pulled from the shelves and I agree with the warnings ushered by Harvard and other colleges to protect students from the hell that follows drinking one of these things. I’m puzzled if it is even possible to drink more than one but Steve Young’s baby boy will never know.
I feel like I want to rage…right now!
***The first portion of this post was written, framed, constituted, and all that glittery literary s*** hours before your stalwart Agent of M.E. been to imbibe the wicked, wicked concoction known as Four Loko, hence the state of somewhat lucidity. ***
****Anything following the four asterisks happens after I began drinking****
***** Anything written following these asterisks occurred on November 3, 2010. *****
Vaya con Dios.