Sometimes I feel like it’s all been done
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one
Sometime I wanna change everything I’ve ever done
Too tired to fight and yet to scared to run
Keane ft K’Naan “Stop For A Minute”
As the four of you who actually read this blog may know I’ve been on somewhat of a quest that entails me getting a hold of my mental state and expressing my emotions more properly (or at all) . Trust, dealing with letting it all out and dealing with bouts of depression ain’t easy. Although they don’t occur very often the easiest way I found to deal with them comes down to me putting one flat foot in front of the other and moving forward.
Part of my little quest is deading the useless thoughts and I’m guessing everyone has these. Expunging the negatives that pop up between my ears is quite the task. Like any good enemy my depression changes tactics on me. So I find myself sitting atop of my hill of emotions and thoughts, besieged. I can always expect negativity and depression to try to get in. They’ll probe to see if I have any weak spots thusly exposing my defenses. They come every morning around five or six a.m. and I’m usually ready for them, I have no choice. Daily I just sit tight so that I don’t give myself away. I know these are just feints and I treat them as such. (Depression and negativity don’t mind sacrificing some of itself to get the upper hand.)
What’s worse than the probing (pause) are my enemies attempts at psychological warfare. They have a constant stream of useless verbage blaring out of loud speakers set up around me. The blaring diatribe is designed to cause me to question myself, my abilities, and the trust of those around me. Just like Axis Salley, Tokyo Rose, and Lord Haw-Haw depressions jabs at me with psychological attacks that range from personal to utterly ridiculous. Whether it works or not it’s all annoying. (And by annoying I mean Like a telephone ringing annoying.)
That’s why I like the four bars up top from Keane’s “Stop For a Minute”
“Sometimes I feel like it’s all been done” — Depression sometimes makes one feel as if their life is one f***ed continuous loop. We know that’s not the case but when you’re in the moment you have to fight to tell yourself this.
“Sometimes I feel like the only one” — When you’re up on that hill you often feel like it’s you against the rest of the world and it’s not. You haven’t been abandoned, if you have friends and love ones let them know what’s up. It’s important to have allies in whatever you happen to be facing.
“Sometimes I wanna change everything I’ve ever done” — Second guessing it the first step to defeat. Think about what’s ahead, keep a clear mind, and make the best decision possible. Hindsight only makes your head hurt.
“Too tired to fight and yet to scared to run” — Giving up your position isn’t an option so you just keep going. Running never solved anything so you may as well just stick it out. If you run to somewhere else depression is just going to find you anyway so why not put your boot on his neck now and get it over.
The ideal that three English rockers and a Somali MC accurately nailed how I feel sitting on top of my hill waiting for depression to come back is kind of hilarious to me. Just like the other times I plan, pray, and wait because depression will make a mistake. Sooner or later I do know that depression will cut out the little probing attacks and try to do his thing for real. I will kick him off my cloud for good and make sure he won’t bother coming back.
Vaya con Dios