Contrary to what one might think South Carolina has had a pretty interesting history. We’re home to one of the oldest signs of civilization in the world. At various times our actions have played pivotal roles in the shaping of American history. We played a big role in the American Revolution. We pretty much started the American Devolution, which indirectly led to the first submarine attack in history and to the stealing of the Planter by slave Robert Smalls. (Not only was this a remarkable feat because it involved a slave absconding with a warship and handing it over to the Union, but a little known story is that Robert Smalls wrote the original version of “I’m On a Boat” during his trip thusly inventing hip hop.)
As of late things in S.C. have just gotten dumber as the days go by. Here’s a brief rundown.
- Our sitting Guvnah, Mark G (The G stands for gettin’ *****es) Sanford literally gets lost for a few days and the rest of the state’s executive branch have no clue where he went. It was originally stated that the governor went on a walkabout on the Appalachian Trail, but the truth came out that he went to South America. Argentina specifically to hook up with his Latina jump off. Forced to come clean he then makes the most awkward apology in American political history.
- Guvnah Sanford attempt to refuse tons of scrilla from the Federal government that would help keep the state’s economy and infrastructure afloat just to maintain his “conservative principles”. The Feds force him to take it and they make him like it.
- During a State of the Union address Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yell’s “You lie!!!” while the P.O.T.U.S was talking.
- Lt. Guvnah Andre Bauer publically compares welfare users to stray animals during his run for Guvnah during the 2010 primaries, when he said “”My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals,” Bauer said during a town hall meeting. “You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t… think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is you’ve got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better.”
- Another candidate for Guvnah, Nikki Haley is accused of being an adulterer and a rag head within a ten-day period.
In short South Carolina has become 1920’s Louisiana without the personality and the high-level corruption. We could use a Kingfish now couldn’t we? Let’s face it the facts. This is South Carolina and something stupid can happen at any given moment, but we’re about to usher a new age of stupid into existence by electing Alvin Greene (D) or re-electing a United States Senator. Sen. Jim Demint (R) is up for re-election this November and he will face Democratic contender Alvin Greene (D) (Calling Alvin Greene a contender for anything makes me sad inside. “It’s Not Easy Being Green(e)” sad. “They killed Cornbread! They killed him – he didn’t do nothin’!” sad. “Call an ambulance, Jamie been shot” sad. Y”all get my point.) who no one had ever heard of until Tuesday, June 8th when they entered the voting booth. So I sit and wonder if South Carolina can maintain its place with just one Senator. needs two senators. I know every state gets two senatorial members but do we really need a second?
***Sidenote*** There is a Green Party candidate, Tom Clements, but if you’re running for anything as a Green Party candidate in South Carolina you might as well get a hammer and sickle tattooed on you forehead you dirty commie scum.
So let’s take a look at who are our choices to join Lindsey Graham in Washington D.C. this fall.
Alvin Michael Greene a/k/a The man from Manchuria Manning
- First black nominated for the U.S. Senate since Reconstruction.
- Graduate of The University of South Carolina (2000 Political Science)
- Veteran of the United States Air Force, United States Army, and United States Army Reserves (involuntary honorable discharge 2009).
- Currently unemployed.
- Pending felony obscenity charges for showing porn to an 18-year-old student at a University of South Carolina computer lab. He then asked the girl if she wanted to go to her room. Sauve ain’t he? Bob Packwood would be proud. (Greene had been asked not to visit “certain parts” of USC’s campus in the past according to the victim’s mother.)***2
- He campaigned for the senate primary as much as I did. Meaning not at all. He paid his filing fee to the state election board and scammed.
- Campaign slogan is “Let’s get South Carolina back to work.” No negro, let’s get Alvin Greene back to work. (By back to work I mean anywhere else but the United States Senate.)
- Favors a decrease in cost of gas and increasing offshore drilling.
- Wants to unify Korea democratically.
- Would let the Bush tax cuts expire.
- Seeks to increase highway construction and the pursuing of alternative energy sources.
- Wants to wind down the wars in the Middle East to use the money domestically.
- Believed to be a Republican plant by Representative James Clyburn (D) and just about everyone else in South Carolina not named Alvin Greene. Alvin Greene is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.
- Ghost wrote Bang‘s first rhymes.
- He actually knows what “Who shot John?” means.” He won’t tell though.
***Sidenote # 2*** How big of a weirdo do you have to be to get kicked off of a college campus? Have you ever seen the freaks that hang around college libraries and computers labs.
James Warren “Jim” DeMint a/k/a The Genius from Greenville
- One of the most conservative members of the Senate.
- Former member of the United States House of Representatives. (Fightin’ 4th District)
- Graduated from the University of Tennessee (B.A.) and Clemson (M.B.A) (He likes orange a lot.)
- Was dead set against Barack Obama’s health care plan thusly showing the world that he had no idea what happened at the Battle of Waterloo.
- Hates the idea of the Federal gubment spending money. No matter if the spenders name is Bush or Obama.
- Wanted to prevent single mothers who live with their boy friends and homosexuals from teaching in South Carolina’s public schools.
- Wants to stone the homeless.
- Wrote my favorite book ever: Saving Freedom: We Can Stop America’s Slide into Socialism
- Knows who shot Biggie Smalls.
- Had a meeting with the president of Honduras in 2009 against the wishes of the sitting administration.
- Criticized Barry O for not appointing a new head of the TSA although he blocked Barry O’s previous appointees.
- Played drums in a Ohio Players Cover band called Salt & Pepper. (I’ll let y’all figure out what part of that statement was bull.)
- Is against abortion unless the life of the mother is in danger.
So these are your choices. It’s a political head or gut? No matter who wins South Carolina will take a step back into something loses. Right now we’re the Prairie View A & M football team of states and if we keep heading down the long, winding, path to stupid I think we should be asked to leave the Union for a few years. There’s no way in hell that I’m voting for Alvin Greene. Ditto for Demint so my choices are as follows. Not to vote. (Isn’t much of an option.) Vote for the Green Party guy, Clements. (I have about five months to find out what he’s about.) Or maybe Lindsey Graham will get tired of the bullsh*ta** politics in South Carolina and shank Jim Demint in the Senate washroom. (That would be a hilarious skit for Funny or Die.) I’m not a fan of all of Graham’s politics but he has never done anything to prove that he isn’t a good man who at least tries to get something positive done for the state. These two guy are an embarrassment to the entire state. No they haven’t screwed any horses(that we know of), knocked up their housekeepers (that we know of), or called the president a liar in public, but one says too much and the other doesn’t say anything. All jokes aside we’re better than this.
Vaya con Dios