Along time ago I was watching some comedy special on tv and some comedian made the joke that if hell had a soundtrack it would be “My Angel is a Centerfold” by the J. Giles Band playing on a continuous loop. Yes, that song is horrible but I starting think about the soundtrack to my hell this weekend while I was watching the U.S. play England in the World Cup.
During the entirety of the match there was a constant buzzing sound. The stadium in South Africa sounded as if it was besieged by a swarm of killer bees. (Whatever happened to the African killer bees that were supposed to overrun North and South America? Probably the same thing that happened to all of the bird flu and SARs cases? The only killer bees I ever saw were from Staten Island and I don’t know any one with bird flu.)
So to answer my question I Googled “buzzing noise + World Cup”. My search lead me to the word “vuvuzela” which sounds like some kind of a weird “lady part” but I digress. Turns out a vuvuzela is an African version of those thunder sticks that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim via El Segundo’s fans used during their World Series run a few years back. My point is that the noise from the vuvuzela made me think about what hell would sound like to me. If I die and wake up to hear any of the fooling sounds I will then realized that my time on Earth was wasted and misguided. So here goes, my soundtrack to hell would sound like an extended mega mix(No Jersey Shore) of the following.
- Nancy Grace’s voice. It’s shrill, southern, and filled with false sincerity. Nancy’s voice can remove paint. Nancy’s voice is a weapon of mass destruction. Nancy’s voice kills flowers. If I were an allied soldier during WWII, Nancy’s voice would be the sound of the shrill sirens on a Stuka dive bomber…pure terror.
- The talking portions of The Reverend Doctor Deaconess Prophetess Shirley Ann Caesar’s songs. *Don’t look at me like that. No one is safe. No one.* For a time TRDDPSAC felt the need to talk on every record she recorded. It drove me made. She actually ruined a song about remembering your moms for me.
- Nicki Minaj talking/rapping/singing about anything.
- Lazy Geechie talk. I guess you have to live in Charleston to understand this one. Having a Gullah accent is fine but when you stop trying to enunciate and everything you say starts to sound like broken Jamaican patois I’m done.
- “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan I always hated this song.
- “Celebration” by Kool and The Gang No explanation needed
- Plies Please do something to get arrested Algernon.
- “Who Let The Dogs Out?” by The Baha Men I rather talk to Buzz Killington than have to listen to this song.
- The two chicks from The Steve Harvey Morning Show What?
- Two Germans talking dirty to each other. Saying hello in German sounds harsh so I can’t imagine what this would sound like.
So here are 10 sounds that would definitely let me know that I’m going to be spending eternality roasting. What are yours?
Vaya con Dios.