The Pursuit of Happiness (I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be good.)

Why don't the voices in your head ever tell you to do nice things for people?

” Men hide their emotions. You bury yours, Keith Marcus” Charlene (as portrayed by Joy Bryant in “Get Rich or Die Tryin'”)  

I’ve been blogging off and on for about five years now and I covered a wide range of topics. I’ve talked about arguments between homophobic crackheads on the train in Charlotte, numerous postings about my random thoughts, and even my issues with church. You name it and I’ve blogged about it. There is one topic that I’ve never touched. One thing that scares me.  

 It’s M.E. I have no idea how to handle my emotions or feelings so I choose to keep them to myself. I’m honestly somewhat of a mess upstairs and I have no idea why. I simply do not have the ability to emote my deepest feelings.  

 *Scene from “Get Rich or Die Tryin'”* I’ll paraphrase b/c I only watched this crap once.  

 Charlene (Joy Bryant’s talentless a**)  speaking to Marcus (50 Cent) So this is how it’s gonna be now?  

 Marcus: Sits silently and makes the 50 Cent Face while desperately trying to convey emotion.  

 Charlene (Raising voice): So this is how it’s gonna be now Marcus?  

 Marcus: Sits silently and makes the 50 Cent Face again while desperately trying to convey emotion.  

Well folks that’s pretty much how a conversation about my emotions would go, goes, has went, and so on, well that is if I could talk about my emotions.  

Long story short your friendly neighborhood Agent of M.E. has some deep-rooted mental blocks when it comes to talking about the important sh*t between my ears. The things that matter most in the minds of adults. The things you share with the person you’re in love with. Quite frankly (no Stephen A.) it’s a hinderance to my future and I think it’s time I deal with “it” before I go any further.  

 “Let me start from the beginning, at the top of the list. Know what I mean, have a situation like this…”  

Sorry about that, I flashed back to ’95. So I’m 30 years old and I’ve only shed tears approximately three or four times since October of 1996. This was at the funeral of my first cousin who died the fall of our senior year of high school. She passed away that October and we were up for parole going to graduate in May of the next year. My cousin’s funeral was on a Sunday and I honestly think I cried enough that day that I ran out of tears. I can’t explain why but it would be years before I could bring myself to shed tears again. I never gave it much thought and simply choked it up to “I have nothing to cry about.” From the time of my cousins funeral to my next shedding of tears, I attended the funerals of two grandparents, dealt parental illness, juggled the random stresses of being a black man in South Carolina, and not a single drop.  

It wasn’t until I was experiencing a bit of domestic strife that my next tears were shed. They were brief and heart-felt, but I actually managed to cry in front of Miss Moneypenny for the first time. I actually think this came as much of a shock to her as it did to me. In the back of my mind I was thinking “Oh sh*t, this is actually happening.” This was a rare moment for me, but unfortunately not any sort of break through.  

It was also during this time that I realized that I do have issues with depression. I wouldn’t call them major, but depression is depression in my book. I just can’t fathom being a little bit depressed. (I guess this is like being a half-way crook or being a little pregnant.)  

So what’s my point?  

I’m just cold. Sure I laugh. I smile. I get sad. I feel anger, not James Evans mad, but regular everyday mad. Still, after all the emotions my feelings always seem to be limited. In moderation to a point that they don’t really come out.  

The other night I was asked a series of questions. All of the questions were about me. Questions about my emotions, feelings, and other sh*t that for some reason that I’m not equipped to deal with. With each question asked all I could do is just sit there, just like 50’s non-acting a**. I’m searching withing myself for what to say, how to feel, and I can’t come up with sh*t. I struggled to form my mouth to say what’s on my mind, but nothing came out. I like to refer to this as a state of emotional paralysis: sure the feelings are happening, but you cannot act upon them. You’re just there. How do you wake up from that? How do you emotionally take your first step after being frozen?  

Why? What in the hell is wrong with me that I can’t carry out a basic human function? If I were to say what’s actually going on in my large-a** skull would I be perceived as nuts? Angry? Weird? I don’t have a single answer to any of these question. Hell, I’m still been trying to figure out where to begin. Needless to say I really need to start figuring this sh*t out because I’ve got to much to lose if I don’t.


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