*Side note* I really curse a lot in my blogs don’t I?
Oh well, f**k it!
Contrary to what my co workers may think I do actually smile from time to time. There are things that will put a smile on my mug, no matter how juvenile, every single time I gaze upon, stumble across, or hear them.
Here they are:
- Monkeys. Apes, gorillas, chimps, and the like absolute funniest animals on the planet outside of humans. They can actually make slinging poop funny. The bigger the monkey the harder I smile.*In Cal Naughton Jr’s voice* “I like to imagine that monkeys talk to each other when people ain’t around. ‘Cept they don’t sound like you and me, they sound like their from England. You know they all talk like James Bond or that Austin Powers fella.”
- 2 Live Crew songs. I don’t quite know why, but I find most of their songs to be a hilarious look into the mind of a ninja from Florida. Luther Campbell is a true American scum bag and the country is better for it. *Side note* I seriously want an answer to this question: Why was the Chinese cat in 2 Live Crew’s arm always in a cast? That sh*t has been puzzling me for almost two decades.
- The Keenen Ivory Wayan’s Arsenio Hall skits from “In Living Color“. That finger. Those teeth. Whenever that sh*t crosses my mind I have to go around the corner and say “Party all the time! Party all the time!” under my breath. Besides it was one of these skits where he put the phrase “bad mamma jamma” into my lexicon. Thank you Keenen!
- The following words: “bad mamma jamma” “m***erf***er” “gaggle” “doppelgänger” and “triskaidekaphobia”.
- The muppets. “Pigs in Space” “Kermit singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green” or “The Rainbow Connection” are all my sh*t. (Apparently somewhere deep in my subconscious, I have the mind of a four-year old.)
- Learning a new racial epithet. I know it sounds kind of really bad, but for some reason I find racial slurs funny as hell when used for comedic purposes. For instance while I was watching “Black Dynamite” I cracked up when Pat Nixon called Black Dynamite a “moon cricket” for breaking the presidential china collection. Another favorite was when an Indian comedian on HBO’s last attempt at “Def Comedy Jam” used the term “Mondays” as code for black people. (Example usage: Everybody hates Mondays.)
- Floyd Mayweather Jr’s family. Floyd Sr and uncle Roger Mayweather are a constant source of comedy. Floyd Sr speaks the same language that James Brown did and Roger a/k/a the Black Mamba’s missing teeth are somewhere in a cave with Tupac and Bin Laden. Cocaine is a helluva a drug.
- Michael Irvin. Terrible suits, multiple arrests, cocaine, crack cocaine, a ton of football talent and knowledge, and the propensity to run off with the mouth make watching or listening to the playmaker well worth it.
- Wanna be thugs. A kid sitting next to me the other day in the public bibliotheque was doing his best Omar Little impression, but he made on crucial mistake: His iPod was turned up so loud that I could clearly tell that he was listening to Justin Timberlake. Sensitive thugs y’all need hugs.
- When newscasters try to pronounce ethnic names. It never fails, every time the white anchors on ABC’s World News Tonight try to pronounce John Quinones’ name they make an attempt to sound Spanish. Instead they end up sounding like high school Spanish students. Kind of sad, but really damn funny.